Big Blogger Blabbermouth

Just a short note from the frozen hinterland, folks...

I had to delete my second-most-recent post in which I detailed the sports I'd be covering all this week, including the one involving rocks and ice. That sport is hurling, except with a c as the first letter, not an h.

In fact, as my brief explanation following shows, I'm the one with rocks -- in my head.

That sport is so popular in Canada that it turns out at least one website devoted entirely to it found that post, liked it, they know who I am and who I write for and what I'm covering, and they linked to it from their website.

So that might have brought all kinds of people -- who read my stuff in the newspaper I write for and who assume I'm objective and all, which I am -- to my blogsite, where I write about all kinds of stuff: zany, personal or what-have-you.

I was going to delete my blog altogether but I figured I could just delete that post, which I did.

So if anyone was wondering where that post went, it's vaporized.

Now I can go back into hibernation. Carry on. And as they say in (h)urling, HURRY HARD!

THERE'S COLD, THEN THERE'S STUPID COLD

EVER HEARD OF EXTREME SPORTS?

HOW ABOUT EXTREME LIVING?

Bundle up, Baby, Because you're in for a Big Boot in the Bottom. Don't worry, though.


You won't be able to feel it anyway -- or anything else -- if you live in Canada's unforgiving Prairie. As this following Environment Canada weather forecast makes abundantly clear...

Extreme wind chill warning issued
Updated at 5:21 PM (Friday, Jan. 18)

Environment Canada has issued an extreme wind chill warning for the second time in two days for Winnipeg.

Temperatures tonight are expected to drop to a low of -35 C, but the extreme wind chill will make it feel like -44 C.

The deep freeze is expected to continue tomorrow with the morning temperature predicted to be -45 C with the wind chill and the thermometer only expected to rise during the day to a high of -25 C.

Temperatures are expected to drop again on Saturday night to a low of -35 C, which with the wind chill will feel like -43 C. Normal temperatures at this time of year are a high of -13 C and a low of -23 C.

UGH!


Now on to some form of explanation, from a Weather Almanac website I found.

THE NORTH WIND DOTH BLOW
"Upon retiring for the night, I tried to blow out the candle," a Winnipeg, Manitoba settler wrote in his diary one cold winter night in 1879, "But the flame was frozen, so I had to break it off."

Although the settler spun the cold truth a little loosely, the depth of January cold is infamous across North America. That is not to say that North America has a monopoly on cold weather in the Northern Hemisphere.

The very name Siberia conjures images of frigid cold, ice, snow and blizzard winds.


But North America is unique among the arctic continents because the major mountain chains run north-south rather than east-west as in Europe (the Alps) and Asia (the Himalayas).

This makes nearly all of North America susceptible to vigorous cold fronts.


Without the mountain barriers to block them, Arctic cold outbreaks can sweep southward toward the subtropical Gulf of Mexico, even crossing its waters on occasion.


The birthplaces for most of these frigid outbreaks are the continental expanses or northern Canada near or within the Arctic Circle (Eds note: Translation here is directly north of Manitoba, Saskatchewan and Alberta).


Here, long, dark winter nights couple with clear skies and a surface covered with snow and ice progressively chill the air.


Since in these regions the sun does not rise or only skirts the horizon for much of January, there is no warming heat from the sun. And snow and ice on the surface reflect away what little sun weakly beams down.


To compound the lack of incoming heat, snow very effectively radiates away what little heat it has, thus dropping surface air temperatures still further until it reaches the temperature of the high atmosphere.


As the air cools, it becomes denser, forming large domes of high pressure.


Eventually, this cold dome breaks its bond with the spawning ground and rushes wildly southward (Eds note: BRRRR-RIGHT TOWARDS US!). Howling winds precede the great dome, announcing its advent to all life.


(See it? That big band of no clouds? That's us, right now!)


Trees shudder. Birds shiver. Rabbits burrow deep within snow banks. (Eds note: human bloggers inhabiting these regions retreat into their homes if they can and whine, whine, whine to the rest of the planet).


THIS is what I'm waitin' for...the 30C heat, the wide blue skies, the mosquitoes.
I want it. Now.

Customer Satisfaction Survey

Here on Spaceship Orion, we aim to please.

We realize that we go all over the place in subject matter.

Big

Small

Absurd

Or Just plain stupid.

But we want your feedback. Our customer relations department has spent months developing the following survey, which should take only a few hours of your time to read and then several days to fill out.

Please respond promptly. In return, we'll send you a gift and will actually continue blogging, although perhaps at a nominal cost, details of which we may include in the fine print of some future blog post.

CUSTOMER SATISFACTION SURVEY

SNIPPETS FROM SPACESHIP ORION

JANUARY 2008

1. As a loyal reader of WW's blog, I would rate my overall satisfaction at (pick one of the numbers shown on a scale of 1-10 with 1 being less satisfied and 10 being bordering on orgasmic)

10

2. My most memorable WW blog post was...

PLENTY OF SPACE HERE FOR YOU TO WRITE

3. My least memorable WW blog post that I actually remember was...(fill this space)

4. I don't remember ANY WW blog posts and I just stumbled upon this ridiculous website by Googling the words "Gay Socks Sex" (If true, just check here or type out the word, "yes") or "Famous shaving accidents" (check here or type the word, "yes.")

5. I first found this blog by (check one):

a. accident;

b. misadventure;

c. Homo Escapeon's blog;

d. MJ's blog;

e. Stace's blog;

f. Anna's blog;

g. George W. Bush's blog on most wanted Dubya teasers;

h. Ziggi's blog;

i. Andrea's blog;

j. Gautami's blog;

k. Googling: "Most Brilliant Man in Universe";

l. Laurie's blog;

m. Dinahmow's blog;

n. Hildegarde's blog;

o. Oh, you know who you are.

6. I want WW to blog more about (Pick one, none, or as many as you want):

a. his love life;

b. his kids;

c. his view of world politics, especially in the Excited States;

d. what it's like to actually live in a spaceship and hail from another planet;

e. his appliances, including what's in them and what's behind them;

f. how to properly clean your bathroom, including the toilet, and which way toilet paper should be installed on the toilet paper thingie;

g. how to deal with ear and nose hairs;

h. Who did WW tease today and how;

i. my latest car repair;

j. Socks and sex;

k. Yet more investigations of the differences between the male and female brains;

l. Other (If you wish, add details on a piece of paper; do not fold)

In addition, we would like to ask you a few more questions to get a representative indication from the general population about complex socio-economic trends, with some of the information possibly being used for future posts.

1. Do you have an uncle named Bob?

2. Have you ever wondered whether WW's various avatars are actually legitimate illustrations of what he really looks like?

3. Would you care anyway?

4. Do you ever secretly wonder why anyone would actually choose to live in Canada?

5. Do you think it's possible that Homo Escapeons and WW are actually one in the same person, or at least somehow joined at the hip?

6. What is your favourite board game or card game?

7. What is the funniest word you know of? (Examples: Doily; brassiere; panties)

Thank you for your time. If you would like, add other suggestions as you see fit. Another survey may be circulated in the future, once it gets warmer outside.

As a bonus for filling out this questionnaire, for those of you who have wondered about Spaceship Orion, here are the lyrics from that great 1973 song by Ozark Mountain Daredevils, for which I can't find the vid on YouTube:

Spaceship Orion
(Larry Lee)

when the man comes to you
tells you what you always knew was comin'
you feel it came twice as fast
you always thought the world would last way past you

but now you find it's time
'cause there's nothin' left around you
spaceship orion's there waiting to part the air above you

waiting to take you
waiting to place you
in a world exactly different
from the one you leave behind

if you find it man you're lucky
but it still won't be the same
if can't be like home
it can't feel like home
to you there....

it can't be like home
it can't feel like home
to you there
if can't be like home
it can't feel like home
to you there

19.4 YEARS TIL DEATH DO US PART

ACCORDING TO THE LATEST STATISTICS CANADA NUMBERS, I HAVE 19.4 YEARS TO LIVE.

That's right, less than two decades.

Yep, by around 2027, at least based on 2005 stats and current health technology, I'll be little more than a pile of ashes inside some little dusty urn in my daughter's or son's attic.

Or wherever they decide to put me.

Here's the briefest of details on the story:

Average age at death rising in Canada: StatsCan
Updated Mon. Jan. 14 2008 10:11 AM ET
CTV.ca News Staff
THE average age at death for Canadians is rising and the gap in the annual number of deaths between men and women is narrowing, reports Statistics Canada. In 2005, the average age at death for the overall population was 74.2 years.
The average varied widely across Canada, peaking at 75.6 years in Prince Edward Island. The lowest was Nunavut, with an average of just 47.8 years. (Manitoba came out at 74.6 overall; males 71.6, females 77.6).
In 2005, a total of 230,132 people died in Canada, up 1.6 per cent from 2004 -- the fastest annual increase since 2002. The long-term upward trend continues in the wake of a growing and aging population, says StatsCan.

So if I'm 52.2 years old now, I'll live another 19.4 years by my calculations (based on a 71.6-year lifespan), which would bring me to death's door (in 2005 numbers, remember) sometime in April of 2027.

Maybe they'll be jettisoning our corpses into outer space by then. Perhaps they'll come up with some brilliant health-care advances that will be able to extend my existence.

Or maybe they'll put my body into deep-freeze and bring me back to life a few hundred years later, when such technology exists. Or, possibly, they could extract DNA from me and clone me every 71.6 years in perpetuity.

Or...maybe not.