FARTS AND FUN IN A FAST-PACED WORLD

AS THE WORLD WAFTS BY IN AN INVISIBLE BLUR OF NOXIOUS OVERBUSY-NESS, WE'VE LOST SIGHT OF A TONIC FOR WHAT AILS US.

AS BUSH BUMBLES, WHILE WE ALL TUNE IN TO REALITY SHOWS TO SOMEHOW MAKE US FEEL REAL, AS WE DISCUSS THE LATEST MURDER OR OTHER INSANITY, WE HAVE ALL BUT FORGOTTEN THE ART OF THE FART.

Fart jokes are mostly the purview of young boys, it seems, and that was no different with me. I remember once setting my own personal record while playing hockey on an outdoor rink, shaking the penalty box bench with a fart that lasted, by my count, seven seconds.

The entire team stopped their cheering and screaming and yelling to listen...and at the end, we all broke out in laughter.

Of course, I have now passed on this talent and appreciation for it to my 14-year-old son. My 18-year-old daughter, as usual, shakes her head, says 'Oh, Dad...' and then promptly turns the other way and silently smiles. As if we didn't notice!

My reason for raising this taboo-ridden natural body function today is simply to propose it as a free and natural way to reduce the tension and stress caused by a world that demands far too much of us every day and which offers us little but pap in media-driven coping methods.

The Queen does it. The Pope does it. Certainly George Dubya does it. Even the nonsensical characters on Entertainment Tonight do it. We all fart, and yet most of us pretend we don't, particularly in elevators.

Even women fart. This has been scientifically proven.

So my suggestion is that we embrace farting once again; give it the rightful place it deserves in our lives. We need to laugh a little in these changing, difficult times. We should lobby governments and corporations to make farts a part of the consumer world.

Think about your garage door opener making a fart sound when you pull up the driveway. Flicking on the TV with the remote? Fart. Flushing the toilet? Pffffttttt. Standing around wasting time at the office water cooler, or raging against the driver who just cut you off?

Fart!

Dr. Phil and other pseudo-psychologists could include fart therapy to raise the spirits of their patients. Farts could also be used to spice up the sex lives of struggling couples. Forget Viagra! Ever farted during sex? Of course! Laugh and have tons more fun? Natch.

Farts have been with us since the beginning of time. Much longer than the Bible, the Buck, Jesus Christ, the TV and Bart Simpson. It's time we not only accepted them but adopted them as the one true hilarious constant that they've always been.