Go Ask Alice

I HAVE BLOGGED BEFORE ABOUT MY LONG AND SO FAR FRUITLESS SEARCH FOR THE PERFECT WOMAN (FOR ME).

I have posted bits on my online dating disasters, and at times have done serious pieces about women I really care for but, for one reason or another, it has not worked out.

Either for me, for them, or for us both.

And you don't know a fraction of the various paths my quest has taken me on, but that's the way it should be.

Suffice to say, women are beautiful creatures. In my singleness, next to my kids, finding the perfect one for me in the perfect circumstance seems to be one of my top priorities.

And there have been a good number of candidates in these past few years.

In fact, my best buddy, Homo Escapeons (AKA Donn), constantly makes jokes about it. It was HE, for example, who sent me this a few months ago.

It was HE who, one night when he was over here, started grilling me for the names of all the women I had gone out with or spent time with. And it was HE who gave me this can opener as a house-warming gift.

I have other reminders of the female gender in my apartment. A woman's breast coffee cup, for example. A wall hanging I bought in India of a man and woman performing a sexual act.

For Christmas, as I blogged about a few weeks ago, my sister gave me this, but it doesn't do it for me.



So enter Donn's wife, Alice. I'd put her picture in here but she might kill me instead of hug me the next time I see her.

Thanks to the no-good tattle-tale Donn, Alice knows all about my exploits, which I think lead her to believe I'm nothing but a womanizer. Of course, this couldn't be further from the truth.

Still, I'm told Alice has adopted a strategy of hiding her single friends from me, believing it's the safest thing. And this week, even though it was HER birthday on Friday, Alice gave ME a gift.

I hope you can make out all the little sales pitches on the package. I realize the photo is a bit out of focus, but you get the picture.

"She's a real party girl." "She's ready for a wild time, no strings attached." She'll do whatever you want, no questions asked." "Her hobbies include swimming and hanging out with you."

On top of all that, she grows up to 600 per cent when I submerge her in water. I wonder what she'll turn out like?

No, I imagine she'll be more like this.

I'm not sure, actually, that I'm even going to take my mistress out of her package. My kids have already seen her and laughed beyond belief.

Besides, I'm looking for a longer-lasting female that won't wrinkle and sag to the extent that I assume this mistress would.

I suspect it will become another display ornament thingy on my fireplace mantle.

In the meantime, I've enrolled in a new online correspondence course: How to become a monk in 30 days or less. The only problem is, I'll have to relocate to Tibet and pledge lifelong celibacy.

I'm not sure I can (sorry Ally Baby!)