The Family (Or most of them)

The Family (Or most of them)
The Family

January 16, 2009

Go Ask Alice


I have posted bits on my online dating disasters, and at times have done serious pieces about women I really care for but, for one reason or another, it has not worked out.

Either for me, for them, or for us both.

And you don't know a fraction of the various paths my quest has taken me on, but that's the way it should be.

Suffice to say, women are beautiful creatures. In my singleness, next to my kids, finding the perfect one for me in the perfect circumstance seems to be one of my top priorities.

And there have been a good number of candidates in these past few years.

In fact, my best buddy, Homo Escapeons (AKA Donn), constantly makes jokes about it. It was HE, for example, who sent me this a few months ago.

It was HE who, one night when he was over here, started grilling me for the names of all the women I had gone out with or spent time with. And it was HE who gave me this can opener as a house-warming gift.

I have other reminders of the female gender in my apartment. A woman's breast coffee cup, for example. A wall hanging I bought in India of a man and woman performing a sexual act.

For Christmas, as I blogged about a few weeks ago, my sister gave me this, but it doesn't do it for me.

So enter Donn's wife, Alice. I'd put her picture in here but she might kill me instead of hug me the next time I see her.

Thanks to the no-good tattle-tale Donn, Alice knows all about my exploits, which I think lead her to believe I'm nothing but a womanizer. Of course, this couldn't be further from the truth.

Still, I'm told Alice has adopted a strategy of hiding her single friends from me, believing it's the safest thing. And this week, even though it was HER birthday on Friday, Alice gave ME a gift.

I hope you can make out all the little sales pitches on the package. I realize the photo is a bit out of focus, but you get the picture.

"She's a real party girl." "She's ready for a wild time, no strings attached." She'll do whatever you want, no questions asked." "Her hobbies include swimming and hanging out with you."

On top of all that, she grows up to 600 per cent when I submerge her in water. I wonder what she'll turn out like?

No, I imagine she'll be more like this.

I'm not sure, actually, that I'm even going to take my mistress out of her package. My kids have already seen her and laughed beyond belief.

Besides, I'm looking for a longer-lasting female that won't wrinkle and sag to the extent that I assume this mistress would.

I suspect it will become another display ornament thingy on my fireplace mantle.

In the meantime, I've enrolled in a new online correspondence course: How to become a monk in 30 days or less. The only problem is, I'll have to relocate to Tibet and pledge lifelong celibacy.

I'm not sure I can (sorry Ally Baby!)


  1. I love Alice's sense of humour! Now I understand why she and Donn are such a good match.

    My favourite selling features of your newest mate are:
    "She has a life" and
    "No need for deep meaning conversation".

    And since you've expressed an aversion to wrinkling and sagging, that takes me out of the running. ;)

  2. Anna:

    Yeah, well, they make such a great match because while Donn's over the top, Alice flies under the radar.

    While Donn's blathering on and pontificating about this or that at others' expense, Alice is rolling her eyes and quietly smiling in the background.

    But Alice is no shrinking violet, and this shows it.

    I have amended my post to make something clear about the wrinkling and sagging. That's just gravity, something we're all victimized by.


  3. I notice a 'choking hazard' label on her packaging.

    Maybe if YOU came with a 'choking hazard' warning, you'd get more action.


  4. MJ:

    How did I KNOW you'd see that reference and make that comment??? No lack of action here.

    At least, not with Ms. Blowup.


  5. WW - You're a choking hazard?!! Oh my, now I'm really intrigued.

  6. Anna (MJ):

    LEGAL DISCLAIMER: We are not responsible for the nature of remarks made by commenters on this blog.

  7. Oh c'mon! Donn grilled you "for the names of all the women I had gone out with or spent time with?" Puh-lease. He grilled you about all the women you'd SLEPT with, didn't he? :) Seriously, does Donn actually deserve a keeper like Alice? (I love the gift! She and I obviously have a lot in common since our birthdays are just days apart.) But you're a keeper, too, so just be patient.

    PS MJ is, as usual, brilliant. She's a keeper, too.

  8. Andrea:

    Well, I never! I have a personal policy of not sleeping with a woman until after the 15th date.

    Alice's gift is now ensconced on my fireplace mantel, where it shall remain...until I get REALLY desperate.

    MJ, meanwhile, is just another flirty West Coaster, at least temporarily.

  9. Awww Chris... if only I wasn't already married, I'm sorry... lol

  10. Stace:

    Oh yeah, sure...taunt me with talk of 40C-plus temps, then make me squirm about your unavailability.

    Oh, and another minor detail -- you're only about 22 time zones away too!

    I'm departing to Tibet tomorrow.

  11. And she's bilingual! She and the nun make a lovely pair!

  12. Eroswings:

    You'll note, though, that the nuns are NOT bilingual. This girl is special!!!

  13. There are no obstacles, only opportunities!! Of course, sometimes they're opportunities for failure...

  14. Stace:

    Thanks for that positive outlook!

    Some of the failures have been mine, no debating that...I'm submerging my mistress in the bathtub now...

  15. You need to be more romantic!
    Chicks dig flowers and chocolates and poems..know any poems?

    Here try this one..

    She offered her honour
    He honoured her offer
    and all through the night
    it was honour and offer

  16. Or this one...

    There once was a fellow McSweeny
    Who spilled some gin on his weenie
    Just to be couth
    He added vermouth
    Then slipped his girlfriend a martini

  17. HE/MJ:

    Are you two joined at the hip or something? Or in some sort of long-distance psychic paradigm together?

    I like MJ's poem better. Donn, your's is as old as the hills.

  18. you don't want wrinkles and sagging, eh? so are you going to pay for the plastic surgery?


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