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I'M SO BEHIND THE TIMES AND SO UNAWARE OF LIFE'S DAILY CELEBRATIONS.
Here I was, just barely squeaking past the Christmas holidays and trying to return to sanity in a new year, and I've already seen Cuddle Up Day pass me by. How could I? Doesn't everyone need cuddles?
Bubble Bath Day is today (Monday, Jan. 8 -- didn't you KNOW?) and it appears, on Sunday night the 7th, that I'm destined to miss that too.
First, I don't have any bubble bath stuff. I mean, I have a bathtub, and I have soap, and I have hot water, but I have no "bubble bath" stuff, whatever you call it.
And I don't have the one ingredient that makes the whole point of having a bubblebath worthwhile -- I don't have anyone to have a bubble bath with.
Oh, the horror! Oh, the pain!
How do I know what I'm missing?
Because Computer-Generated Bob at 123Greetings told me.
He sends me an email once a week telling me about all the "special days" the greeting card industry has invented to get me to spend money for no good reason by buying cards, flowers, diamonds, mansions, whatever.
Now I'm all for celebrating life's special times and intimate moments.
Birthdays, wedding anniversaries, Christmas, Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, Father's Day -- they're landmark days that are important to celebrate, whether commercial interests invented them or not.
But read this email from Computer-Generated Bob. And tell me that you don't want to punch him in the nose or kick him in the gonads, if in fact he could have any.
Dear 123Greetings subscriber,
Hey there people ! A New Year, new events, new joys, but all that with your ol` friend Bob right here! So how `bout the celebrations ? I'm sure the wagon is still rollin`!
Hey there people ! A New Year, new events, new joys, but all that with your ol` friend Bob right here! So how `bout the celebrations ? I'm sure the wagon is still rollin`!
Me `n my gang are still in party gear. New Year does that to ya. The celebrations are never-ending ! And parties always translate into bingin` on goodies, big time ! So you can imagine, the time me and my gang are having.
We ain't called 'the foodie brigade' for nothing guys ! And with my best bud Kong to help us, there's hardly even a crumb left on the table once we have ploughed our way through it! So while I busy meself with some more non-stop bingin`, you go ahead and check out the events we have in store for ya -
Cuddle Up Day [ Jan 6 ]
Umm, spread your arms wide `n give your loved ones a tight squeeze ! It's January 6th and it's Cuddle Up Day. Time to let all your loved ones know how special they are to you. Hold `em close and let them know how much you care. Send warm and cozy e-cards to all your near and dear ones.
Bubble Bath Day [ Jan 8 ]
Pamper time folks ! January 8th is Bubble Bath Day. Get into the stress free fun mode. Soak yourself in a warm bubble bath and get into the stress bustin` zone ! Think of all the good times you've had with friends `n family, and send e-cards to let `em share in your refreshin` memories !
Dance Day [ Jan 9 ]
Whoa ! This sure is gonna rock you ! January 9th is Dance Day. The last time I remember I hit the dance floor was on New Year's eve, and I thought I was doin` pretty good, when suddenly I found my legs somehow twisted `n before I knew it – Wham ! I was spread-eagled on the dance floor ! While you pack in a good laugh at that, send some funky e-cards and dance your way to fun !
Make Your Dreams Come True Day [ Jan 10 ]
Wakey !!! It's January 10th – Make Your Dreams Come True Day. Follow your dreams. Get, set, go ! And inspire everyone around you to go soarin` too ! Pass around bagsful o` good wishes and fill every heart with the courage to turn dreams into reality by sendin` across some positive thoughts.
Step In A Puddle And Splash Your Friend Day [ Jan 11 ]
January 11th is Step In A Puddle And Splash Your Friend Day ! Boy ! Reminds me of the time we used to have in grade school, splashing each other ! And the best part o` d deal is that today ya can actually get away with it ! Have a hip-hop-happy day sendin` fun e-cards all the way.
Roller Skating Day [ Jan 12 ]
Come January 12th and glide into some fun – it's Roller Skating Day !Back in high school I really had some cooooool fun skatin` around. 'Ya, until you jammed right into the locker door buddy !' quipped Ron. Ouch ! That was a painful memory. Never mind guys, you go right ahead `n have some rollin` fun times sending our e-cards.
Cuddle Up Day [ Jan 6 ]
Umm, spread your arms wide `n give your loved ones a tight squeeze ! It's January 6th and it's Cuddle Up Day. Time to let all your loved ones know how special they are to you. Hold `em close and let them know how much you care. Send warm and cozy e-cards to all your near and dear ones.
Bubble Bath Day [ Jan 8 ]
Pamper time folks ! January 8th is Bubble Bath Day. Get into the stress free fun mode. Soak yourself in a warm bubble bath and get into the stress bustin` zone ! Think of all the good times you've had with friends `n family, and send e-cards to let `em share in your refreshin` memories !
Dance Day [ Jan 9 ]
Whoa ! This sure is gonna rock you ! January 9th is Dance Day. The last time I remember I hit the dance floor was on New Year's eve, and I thought I was doin` pretty good, when suddenly I found my legs somehow twisted `n before I knew it – Wham ! I was spread-eagled on the dance floor ! While you pack in a good laugh at that, send some funky e-cards and dance your way to fun !
Make Your Dreams Come True Day [ Jan 10 ]
Wakey !!! It's January 10th – Make Your Dreams Come True Day. Follow your dreams. Get, set, go ! And inspire everyone around you to go soarin` too ! Pass around bagsful o` good wishes and fill every heart with the courage to turn dreams into reality by sendin` across some positive thoughts.
Step In A Puddle And Splash Your Friend Day [ Jan 11 ]
January 11th is Step In A Puddle And Splash Your Friend Day ! Boy ! Reminds me of the time we used to have in grade school, splashing each other ! And the best part o` d deal is that today ya can actually get away with it ! Have a hip-hop-happy day sendin` fun e-cards all the way.
Roller Skating Day [ Jan 12 ]
Come January 12th and glide into some fun – it's Roller Skating Day !Back in high school I really had some cooooool fun skatin` around. 'Ya, until you jammed right into the locker door buddy !' quipped Ron. Ouch ! That was a painful memory. Never mind guys, you go right ahead `n have some rollin` fun times sending our e-cards.
Well that's the end of a new journey guys ! Will be here again with my bag o` goodies all filled to the brim.
Till then,Keep Rocking !Bob.Editor 123GreetingsReceived this newsletter from a friend ? To get them directly in your mailbox click here.
SO THERE YOU HAVE IT.
By the end of this week, I will have accomplished all my dreams while dancing on rollerskates and splashing everyone I know by jumping in puddles that are non-existent in the Great White North.
And I will have prepared for these life-changing events by hopping in a bubble bath with a non-existent lover, to whom I will have had to email greeting cards celebrating all these activities.
If I end up in hospital due to a broken back from jumping on to a frozen puddle of water and trying to splash somebody, please don't bother sending me flowers.
Just find Bob and the rest of these greeting card weenies.
And drown them in the bubble bath.
