The Family (Or most of them)

The Family (Or most of them)
The Family

April 28, 2007

Spring cleaning for the single male


I know this, because I am a single male, at least currently, sort of, in body. And so as spring gets sprung, I must pay heed to my hormonal seasonal requirement to throw out the old and bring in the new.

Or something like that.

Besides, my lease is due and I have to take stock of my surroundings and find whatever dead bodies are around, what repairs need to be made, what I'm going to insist they fix.

Before I sign on the bottom line for yet another unsubstantiated increase in rent.

So I am not going to show you the dark space behind my washer-dryer, behind my fridge, behind my couch, behind whatever I own, that may be harboring dead creatures or decaying food.

No, my focus is on my dreaded storage room, which houses my water heater, my tools that I have not had any reason to use since I've been in this apartment, and the dreaded "space."

That is, the "space" that is the "crawlspace," that is the hatch that I have not lifted for months, save for perhaps the time that I threw my goofy son's body in there after yet another failed test at school.

There is no point showing you the moribund spring cleaning that I go through...the sweeping of the kitchen floor, the wiping of the toilet, and other such things that I do once or twice a year.

No, to be precise, my main focus is on the trap door in my storage room, that crawl space that I hear sounds coming from all winter. It's a space I can never really be sure I haven't thrown my son into.

But, according to the following pictures taken today, I haven't. Or at least there are no bones there to reveal that I have. Which is a good thing.

Above, the trap door.

Above, the cluttered storage room it's in...

Below, the trap door is lifted...pretty boring, just a bunch of sand, mostly....

I took pictures in all directions...I see no dead bodies of sons or Homo Escapeons or other bad things...although this pic directly below, with a spider web, is least a sign of life...

As you can see, it's pretty what am I going to complain about now? The sticking bedroom door, I suppose, or the noisy air conditioner, or the lousy snow-clearing following a winter storm.
But that all seems so far away now. No, damn it, I'm just going to sign the lease and stay here one more year. And wonder what ugly things are hiding behind the fridge, the couch, the know.
Next: Spring fashions for the single male


  1. If I remember correctly, you are kind of very organised. I remember your fridge and your wardrobe.

    Infact I had thought of hiring you to clean out both for me.

    These look crappy and you ought to do something.

    Meanwhile, do not forget OLD friends.


  2. So you won't show us the dead creatures and decaying food? Oh, you're no fun at all. Remember once I admitted to hunting down a cockroach who had taken up residence on the bookshelf? Come on, show the nitty gritty ;).

  3. well, I'll look forward to the Spring Fashions then, I hear they're very skimpy this year, for the 'currently, sort of, in body' single male!

  4. Here we go. Just when I was worried that you might abandon these fascinating tours along comes this National Geographic type extravaganza.

    The suspense was nearly killing me and it reminded me of the time that Geraldo Rivera hosted The Mystery Of Al Capone's Vault which was broadcast LIVE on April 21, 1986.

    Remember how they advertised it for weeks and everyone was waiting to see wads of money, machine guns, and maybe a dead body!

    When all of the witnesses were assembled, including a Medical Examiner and the IRS, the indomitable Geraldo swung the door open and TADA! empty.

    Geraldo managed to get 30,000,000 Million People to watch it and I hope that you enjoy similar success with your Mystery Of Within Without's Crawlspace!

    The upside is that you can get a cat now that you have found a built in litterbox!

  5. As HE said, you DO have a giant catbox at your disposal. How would you like a giant cat to go along with that?

    His name is Goober, he's box trained and very loving. I think you and he (no offense intended at all) would get along very well.

    He'd be the perfect companion for a 'currently, sort of, in body' single male. ;-)

  6. Gautami:

    No, that's "OCD Donn" Homo Escapeons who is incredibly over-organized. I'm just organized.

    I charge a lot to clean out other peoples' places and I would require travel compensation.

    What looks crappy?


    Well, I just lowered my camera, upside-down submarine-like, and snapped the shots you see.

    Apparently there are no dead bodies down there, much to my chagrin.

    The closest I could come was the spider webs and telling you I hear mice in there all the time.


    No, skimpy is definitely passe now, you'd be surprised at what's in...

    Heroic Escapades:

    And do you see what a captive audience I have already? And not a cent has changed hands. This isn't about money...


    No offence intended, eh?

    Just coincidence that me and a single male cat (neutered, by the way) named Goober should be together?

    Hmmmm (scratches head).

    I suppose I could throw him down there, shut the door and let him go crazy...

  7. "I am a single male, at least currently, sort of, in body"

    Yay!!! You have someone new in your life! How wonderful. I hope the two of you bring loads of additional happiness into each others' lives.

  8. Anna:

    I'm sending you in the mail a loudspeaker thing so you can say that just a little bit louder...

    Ever heard of Maxwell Smart's Cone of Silence? Of course, it never worked anyway...


  9. ooooh- a spider wiggle! was there only the one? did you see the spider or was she gone? did the bodies you buried already decompose that you can't see them?

  10. Angel:

    The bodies have long since decomposed, I figure, although I don't know how my kids resurrected.

    I did not see the spider. But I'll go back and look for her ( is it we're assuming she's a she?)


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