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Those were the words my 15-year-old son left me with when I dropped him off at his mom's place tonight.
Tonight -- after I bought him some new glasses that, as it turns out, will almost exactly mimic the glasses worn by his favourite rock star, Dallas Green of City and Colour, also the lead singer of Alexisonfire.
He's going to their concert (at the Burton Cummings Theatre...yes, that Burton Cummings, of the Guess Who) with about five of his friends. And I am not there. I am not a fly on the wall to watch him grow yet again.
His face has been attacked by acne. His hormones are going like hell. He's growing up faster than I can keep up with him. He's giving me the evil eye, the surly attitude at times, the "I know everything" thing.
I want to be inside his soul, I want my wisdom to protect him, my heart to shield his from it all. I want to be there to see him laugh, cry, to have his Doh! moments, to be there when his girlfriend dumps him.
I want to be inside his wide eyes tonight as he marvels at what someone with a guitar and a good voice can do. I want to be inside his nose to smell the dope that's being smoked, and to wonder, inquisitively, what that is.
I want to be his ear drums, to hear live what he listens to repeatedly on my computer as he plays his games on it, over and over. I want to be his feet, tapping to the music that he absolutely loves.
I want to be there in case he gets into some trouble, except he needs to learn how to handle that on his own. But most of all, I wish I was there just to witness the wonder that he'll be feeling.
I can't.
All I can do is remember those words from my 15-year-old son: I love you. Words I say to him and my daughter all the time. And words that I never tire of hearing back from them.
As my dear mother used to say "you’re just a big sweetie". It touches me to see how much love you have for your children. While most fathers may feel that love, very few express it as well or often as you do.
ReplyDeleteMy heart aches for you and you brought tears to my eyes. You expressed the emotions and angst so beautifully - I can feel them myself.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what to say other than you're a beautiful father.
Beautiful. I love it when you post about your son (a) because you do it so well and (b)because mine's going through so many of the same phases. Last night I drove him to the Cineplex where he was the only guy amongst four girls. He's *so* much more together than I was at his age.
ReplyDeleteawwwwwwww so sweet. What a loving dad u r!
ReplyDeleteKeshi.
Beautiful entry! I appreciate it,as my oldest child is 13,so I can really identify with some of what you have written. I was looking at my son the other day,dressed in his skateboarders trousers etc(lol) and I found myself feeling so overwhelmed by how hes changing so much lately,and it seems so quickly too!
ReplyDeleteIts also lovely that you tell each other those 3 magic words! I am like that with my 3 children,and also they tell me.
I think its especially important for a son to hear that from their father too. Dont know why,guess its just a sort of validation thing from one of their main role models.
Thanks for writing this anyway!
Laura
Well said my friend, I too would love to be a guardian angel..it shreds me to think that they have to make their own mistakes..it reminds me of the message that nothing worth knowing can be taught..
ReplyDeletethat being said it would be way cool to switch places with either of my sons...
oh to be 5 again...
and just on the verge of the sex segregation thingamabob that lasts until your teen years..
man-o-man life is soooo uncomplicated without females..aaah
oh to be 16 again..
welcome to bonerville when every last molecule in your body is programmed to get laid at any cost..
on second thought maybe I'll just have a Diet Pepsi.
Laurie:
ReplyDeleteThanks. It's always there, of course, but it kind of hit me like a rock after I dropped him off and realized he was so excited to go to this concert -- it was such a big deal -- and I was a bit worried for him (you never know what can happen at a concert) but more than that, I just wanted to be there to watch him growing up right before my eyes.
Anna:
:-)
No heartache, really, just the heartstrings being pulled. It's like a tinge of sorrow but a burst of pride and love all at the same time.
Thanks.
Andrea:
Ha! Your son and four girls!! Better watch that boy...at that age, I didn't even know what girls were (well, maybe that's a slight exaggeration). It was sports, sports, sports.
Things have changed a bit...
Keshi:
Thank you.
Laura:
It's that familiar parent feeling, isn't it?
As far as those three words, it's of course a lot easier and more natural to say them to my daughter.
But my son's a very feeling guy and I've always said it to him too. We say it less frequently to each other now, which doesn't surprise me, but to hear him say it yesterday just kinda brought on these warm feelings in me.
HE:
Yep, it's true. That guardian angel thing, the letting go, the wanting to absorb all the flack from making their own mistakes.
I second your "oh, to be 5 again and 16 again" comments. And yes, you'd better go have a diet Pepsi.
WWIII you are very lucky to hear that from a teenager! :) - and it's a testament to your good parenting that he's comfortable in saying it. I find it particularly moving - my own son-I never talk about him on my blog and never will-has problems, one being that he can't talk, and to hear him say that would be the best thing imaginable. I think it wonderful that you appreciate your boy and treasure his words.He's lucky to have you for a Dad.
ReplyDeleteLee:
ReplyDeleteYou have me on the verge of tears...both for the things you said about my son and me but more for the things you can never hear your own son say to you.
Thank you.
I would be honoured, if you feel comfortable with it, e-mailing me about him and you.
This is not to pry at all or to butt into something you've already said you'll never post about.
But if you ever feel like talking about it or sharing more than you have, my email address is listed on my profile thingy.
I am thinking of you both.
:-)
Today was not a good day for me. I was really sick. My three year old son, climbed into bed with me, told me that he would not leave, that he was there to keep mommy company. Even though I was in pain, I smiled and couldn't help but feel the love while he talked to me trying to cheer me up.
ReplyDeleteExcellent post, WW.
Oh WW....you touched my heart with your words in this post. I feel your yearning because I hold those same yearnings in my soul for my fifteen year old boy.
ReplyDeleteOh the love.....it fills you, doesn't it?
Awaiting:
ReplyDeleteThat's a beautiful little tale...I think it's moments like those that just make life worthwhile, huh?
Hope you're feeling better.
Pam:
Thanks, girl. Yes, sometimes it fills to overflowing.
:-)
wow... what an incredible post w.w.!
ReplyDeleteThis is exactly how I feel about my children and you wrote it so beautifully.
ReplyDeleteMy son is only four and at that stage where he wants to marry me. I know he'll grow out of it soon and will probably cringe when I kiss him goodbye at school. I don't know how I'll handle it when that happens.
WWIII -I might write one of these days :).
ReplyDelete