The Family (Or most of them)

The Family (Or most of them)
The Family

December 29, 2008

Crappy Christmas Leftovers and other Holiday Hassles


OK, so the above pic of my lovely niece Rebecca pretty much sums up my Christmas. I wish Christmas was called Johntmas or Georgetmas or Bartholomewtmas, but it's not.

It's called Christmas. And I have to endure it, like a bowling ball-sized ornament around my neck.

Rebecca is the oldest of my nieces or nephews, and actually gave me permission to use this picture.

She's 23 or something. I used to call her Minky when she was much younger. Now look at the treatment I get. I can't even take her picture without getting the finger.

Anyway, on to my Festive Fit of Follies and Foibles.

The woman above is my lovely sister-in-law Kim, domestic diva and survivor of her husband and my brother Gerry's sick sense of humour, among other things.

Well, as I was being whipped 100 times on Boxing Day by my evil sisters into washing the dirty dishes generated by 19 or 20 people, she forced me to take a bunch of leftover turkey home.

"You can make a soup," she said.

"No, I can't," I said.

"Yes you can," she said.

So like any sane man, I submitted.

A couple of days later, before rot could set in and other of nature's nasty doings could claim the leftover turkey I had stuck into my fridge, I decided to make some turkey rice soup in my crock pot.

The problem is, I'm a cooking crack pot, a culinary disaster waiting to happen. Nonetheless, I forged on.

I found a recipe on the internet.

I even called up my mom, who for whatever reason expressed skepticism.

After taking 20 minutes to explain 19 minutes more worth of information than I could possibly retain, I proceeded.

My execution was less than perfect.

I boiled and then simmered the turkey for about an hour to generate some stock. I cut the carrots. I cut the onions. I threw in the tomatoes. Then I dumped in the turkey and other stuff.

And then I THOUGHT I turned on my crock pot to let it all meld together for six or seven hours, as instructed. Unfortunately, it wasn't plugged in.

Six or seven hours later, at roughly 12:30 a.m., I went to check on it. DOH! I plugged in the crock pot and went to bed, figuring it would be perfect when I woke up.

Not so.

It was the most bland concoction of crap that I have ever tasted.

I've since put it all in a plastic container, hoping that my son -- who's like PacMan from the old video game when it comes to food -- will consume it without even asking me what it is.
Instead, I suspect that a week from now, after green things start to grow on it, I'll be throwing it out.
Another Christmas-related issue I've had is trying to impress my kids by getting their Christmas gift to me up and running.

I take pix of them and others all the time, they know that.
It's a digital picture frame. And I see now that it's got my fingerprints all over it.

So, here's what it's supposed to do: It's supposed to play a series of your pictures that you've taken and downloaded on to a memory card.

Here are the pix it's currently playing:

And the reason it's playing THOSE pix is because, surprise, surprise!!!, my frickin' memory card from my camera won't work in the picture frame.
As usual, life is all about fitting something inside something else. And it not fitting just right.

Such is life. When's Valentine's Day?


  1. Anonymous8:55 p.m.

    Ever hear of botulism? Best throw that concotion away, considering it sat for so many hours at room temperature.

    I'm sure you don't want to actually kill that son of yours, now do you?

    Erm... nice hair.

  2. You got a lot to learn. Asking mom for a recipe when the net is there? I cook yummy Indian stuff right out of there and they taste better than mom's. (My brothers and I pretend they do not!)

    Like anon said, throw it. How can anyone forget to plug it, beats me.

    BTW, you look handsome with all that bad hair!


  3. Eh, at least you got good eats with your family. Leftovers from holiday dinners don't last more than two days in my fridge!

    Crockpot recipes are a crapshoot. All crockpots are different, so not all recipes come out great. I can relate--wasted a lot of meals over the years from failed recipes.

  4. Anon:

    Yeah, I've heard of it. I've eaten dirt, cockroaches, crickets and, yes, almost certainly, rotting meat in my time.

    Personally, I think it's all overblown. However, I'll acquiesce to the demand.

    But yes, I want to kill my son. I'll just find a quicker, less painful method.

    This is how I wear my hair all the time.


    No, I found the recipe on the Web, I just phoned her to tease her and to ask how to make a proper broth.

    Yes, I'll throw it. The wonder of how I neglected to plug it in also escapes me, but I think I threw an appropriate "Doh" in there.



    Leftovers can stay in my fridge for years at a time. By then they have transformed into grownovers -- as in grown over by green crap.

    I agree on the crockpot recipes being a crapshoot, with the accentuation on "crap."

    Are you related to Emeril Lagasse? Bam! Bam Bam!

  5. I'm having a bad hair decade, so you aren't doing all that badly.

    I think the fear of botulism is overblown, but you've probably already tossed the stuff. I was going to suggest adding copious quantities of garlic and some pepper.

    And if you ever want a good turkey noodle recipe, just ask. I use my mom's recipe and even I can't screw it up.

  6. Sorry SOrry SORRY... I shouldnt be laffing but Im all but piddling me pants laffing...... now I just wanna give you a huge big hug and a noogie LOL....

    and why has your sister in law got a date tattooed up her arm?

    Im off to bed now with such smiles at your post LOL..... sorry, buts its bloody dam funny.....


  7. Oh Chris, Chris. If anybody eats that soup, they're going to get food poisoning. Just like the time I made chicken soup. Don't ask. I managed to really enjoy Christmas this year, by pretending it wasn't happening. My parents and in-laws were all obliging and didn't mention the holiday by that name at all when we saw them, and also refrained from excessive gift-giving. And so, without the hassles of "Christmas", we all had a lovely time. :)

  8. It's my birthday before Valentine's Day so start planning! I would've visited you this Christmas but I was .... SNOWED IN! And Minky? My mother Maureen's nicknma eis Minky and it's the only time I've ever heard it. Amazing.

    Happy New Year to you, CHRIStmas elf.

  9. I wish I was Emeril's son! Then I'd never have to worry about going broke or starving! Of course, I'd have to put up with his loud voice, though.

    Happy New Year's! Hope you have a safe, enjoyable, and funtastic New Year!

  10. Laurie:

    A bad hair decade? I don't THINK so!

    Yes, I've thrown out the soup. What a waste. Another failed culinary experiment.

    I think MOST public health fears are overblown for all kinds of reasons, but I don't want you or any of my 9.6 other visitors to fall asleep on New Year's Eve.

    Thanks for the turkey noodle recipe offer, but I've had it with turkey soup recipes for this decade.

    My noodle's not big enough, apparently.

    Toasty Warm:

    I'm glad I could, uh, make you piddle your pants.

    And what's a noogie, or should I ask?

    I don't know, does she have a date tattooed on her arm? I'll have to do some investigative journalism.

    Again, happy that you could have some pre-slumber laughs at my expense...

  11. Oh Stace, Stace:

    Of course now that you've told me not to ask, I will ask: what about the chicken soup caper?

    And from now on, can I call you, "Bah Humbug?" :-)

    Hope the ultrasound went well, sweet girl.


    What? You're headed to Winterpeg in February and you're celebrating your birthday while you're here?

    Of course Homo Coppensian and I will do all we can to be the Hosts with the Mosts.

    Are you serious? What Vancouverite in their right mind would ever come here in February? I think I'm missin' somethin'...

    I named my niece Minky because I had bought her this monkey toy and she pronounced it minky...

    CHRISTmas Elf indeed...don't drink too much champagne...


    I liked him for a short while, but I'm SO glad he's off Food Network Canada now...

    A flash in the pan, so to speak...

    Happy new year to you too, fella. So is all of Texas planning a big "Welcome Home, Georgie!" celebration when Dubya returns?

    Or have they made his expansive property (around Midland, I assume) a dumping ground for cow paddies?

  12. Happy New Year, Wienerhead!

  13. MJ:

    Winky Weinerhead is SO 2008! For 2009, I'm thinking a new title is needed. And I grant you the authority, but I have to approve it.

    And happy new year to you too. May you have as many pool boys (or otherwise) as you wish for.

  14. Oh, I just didn't know the correct procedure for re-heating chicken... and poisoned Aidan and I. Only mildly, and quite a long time ago, but I've never made chicken soup since.

  15. Hey Bonehead, why didn't you squeeze the rest of the VEGEMITE into the cauldron?

  16. Stace:

    I don't THINK I've poisoned anyone, but you just never know. Whoever it might have been, they lived to talk about it.

    The only soup I've ever liked that I made was tomato minestrone.


    I'm saving it for whenever a pack of Aussies makes a surprise visit, to help make them feel at home.


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