The Family (Or most of them)

The Family (Or most of them)
The Family

June 15, 2008

Beetle Juice and Cards with Mr. and Mrs. Escapeons

THE FOLLOWING PICTURES HAVE GENERALLY DESCRIBED AND PORTRAYED MY NEAR-LIFELONG FRIEND, DONN, THE BLOGGER FORMERLY KNOWN AS HOMO ESCAPEONS.











...And my mischievous relationship with him...




However, the former HE, who has now dumbed downn to Donn, is actually quite a domestic entity in his real life, when he's not over at my place creating havoc.

He has a gorgeous young wife named Alice who gives the best hugs ever and together, they are spectacular parents to their son, who I am fortunate to be able to boast actually calls me Uncle Chris.





Now Donn -- I'm guessing at Alice's request -- is inviting me over all the time, primarily to play a card game called Phase 10.

I usually decline, believing a family should have their together time and, well, because if I go, then I have to see Donn and listen to all the songs he likes to play from the 1960s, like the one I've got on my blog now.

But sometimes, if the work schedule permits and I want to see Alice and their son, I agree to visit and to purposely let Alice or Donn win at Phase 10.


As usual, the visit usually begins with big hugs from Alice and from the Ridman, their son. We play a variety of sports, he and I, while Mr. and Mrs. HE look on, sipping drinks. Often, they'll feed me.

Then it's time for bed for the Ridman and, after that, the card game...which in this case, Donn somehow won, when it seems to me that Alice almost always wins.

But that is not the biggest part of this story.

No, the most surprising thing I witnessed on this night was Donn, one of the biggest nature freaks and animal rights activists in all of Blogdumb, killing an innocent animal.

That's right. Donn, the former Homo Escapeons, would not allow me to pick up a beetle that was scurrying along his kitchen floor so I could let it go outside.


A common black beetle, something like the one above but with mandibles that can give a purported saviour like me a bite, ended up under the gigantic foot of the Dastardly Donn.

Squished.


Squashed.
Donn's excuse? It was threatening his lovely wife. He will tell you it was more like this...







I'm just glad the young, impressionable son of Mr. HE was already in bed and not around to see this wanton, blatant destruction of a member of the animal kingdom.

Today, almost certainly, HE (I mean, Donn) will be outside on Father's Day, setting poison traps for the mice, raccoons, rabbits, squirrels and forest tent caterpillars he will whine are leaving poop in his yard.

I've already reported him to PETA, so don't bother.

23 comments:

  1. I figured Donn had a dark side -- I just didn't expect it to be so violent and sordid.

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  2. Happy Father's Day!

    Survival of the Fittest! I'm glad to see HE's not setting traps for the famed Canadian beaver!

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  3. How sweet, the instinct to protect his wife from imagined threats overrides reality! The only things I have no qualms about killing are spiders and mosquitos. Spiders because I GOD DAMN HATE THEM AND FEAR THEM AND THEY'RE OUT TO GET ME, and mozzies because they bite and carry diseases and they're just plain irritating.

    When's fathers day? Is it the same over here? I think I missed it... oops!

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  4. Happy Father's Day to you and Donn.

    I take issue, by the way, with Alice and her claim to the Best Hugs Ever.

    I challenge Alice to a hug-off.

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  5. Andrea:

    Oh, and you don't know the half of it...

    Actually, Donn is the gentlest man I know. I don't once, ever, remember him even getting angry.

    I think.

    But he's hung up on all things in the natural world that infringe upon his being.

    Eroswings:

    But he's NOT the fittest, he's the fattest! If he had to set traps for the beaver, he would...

    Stace:

    Oh, puhLEEEEEEEZ! That was just a convenient excuse.

    Spiders, aside from the poisonous ones which you DO have in Oz, are incrediblly efficient predators that EAT INSECTS!!!

    Father's Day in North America and who knows where else was Sunday, June 15. I dunno when yours is!!!

    MJ:

    Why, thank you for those wishes.

    However -- and I think I can safely make this claim -- I'm the only human on the planet to have hugged both you and Alice.

    So, umm, errr...now I'm in a pickle! Alice is a spectacular hugger, but yours in the rain was pretty cool too...

    I guess you'll just have to visit this summer for a hug-off. I will be the judge, of course.

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  6. Well if I'd KNOWN I would be compared!

    Harumph.

    Do you think she'd give ME a hug too?

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  7. MJ:

    Oh, HUSH with the HARUMPHS!

    Of course you'd be compared!

    Womens' huggability is ALWAYS compared by men. Is it a close hug or a polite hug? Tight or loose?

    Long or short?

    Alice is very huggable and she's very willing to hug, so of course she'd give you a hug too!

    All you have to do is visit and collect.

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  8. What a sissy!
    You make it sound like I was wearing a baby seal fur coat, twirling kittens, and eating whooping crane burgers on my puppy mill for f*cksake!

    It has been said that the good Lord has an inordinant fondness for Beetles because there are over 300,000 species ...
    so one less Beetle prolly won't upset the entire Biosphere!

    Believe it or not, while I was writing this comment to defend my right to protect my family, I just squished a worm that fell off of my head.

    Since when have you been Dr Doolittle anyway? Gimme a break.
    That Beetle was heading straight for my Good-Lady-Wife's toes...
    and she had just had a Pedicure so they would have been unusually sensitive to the massive jaws of that savage beast.

    In the future if you're going to continue dragging me through the mud, the least you could do is to get some decent pictures of me..blech!

    Of course you know that this means WAR!
    My Honour demands satisfaction Sir!

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  9. Donn: I would suggest you retaliate by posting unflattering photos of WW.

    However, in the past we've seen up his nose and recently we were treated to a photo of his STAINED buttocks.

    This may require more thought.

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  10. MJ you have a point. He does seem to thrive on drawing attention to his anatomically incorrect shortcomings with those circus freak photos?
    He loves that sh*t!

    Damnit...I got nuthin!

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  11. Film his colonoscopy.

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  12. He'd love to show everybody that..
    it's right up his alley!


    ba-da-boo ba-da-bing
    Goodnight Ladies and Germs
    I'm here all week folks!

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  13. Working title:

    "In Search of the Southern Passage"

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  14. Atleast we know that he is in good hands. His Proctologist has written some best sellers;

    Gettin' In Eighteen Holes a Day

    Pushin' Through The Back Nine

    Why there's no end to some assholes

    I'm A Real Crack Addict

    Get The Troops Out Of My Crack

    Yer Anus, The Gassy Giant

    My Tools Push In,
    Where Gerbils Fear To Tread

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  15. Let's just hope WW doesn't find a note when he gets home saying, "Your proctologist called . They just found your head!"

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  16. Donn/MJ:

    Glad to see you two are having fun...

    Donn, you're a wimp.

    If it's war you want, I accept, suh!

    Dragonflies at 30 paces.

    MJ:

    There ARE no unflattering photos of me. They don't exist.

    Both of you have penned some super funny jokes here, which can be written into the documentary on my colonoscopy.

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  17. Hey! This is the Donn & MJ Hour.

    Don't be a Big BUTTinski.

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  18. YEAH
    GET YER OWN BLOG!

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  19. Donn a worm fell off your head?

    What was it doing ON your head?

    *waves at WW*

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  20. Chris, as you are the protector of any kind of life, I will send you all the lice in my head when I do find one!

    Donn, what do you say to that?

    PS: I am a member of PETA, albeit a sleeping one!

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  21. MJ:

    There's no one to match you for those quick one-liners...how AREN'T you doing standup?

    Donn:

    Actually, I used to have my own blog. But it was forcibly overtaken by two Crazy Canucks.

    And I'm nominating your "Getting in 18 Holes a Day" submission as blogdom comment of the year.

    Ziggi:

    I could kiss your lovely green face for breaking up the monotony of those two.

    Oh...you're talking to Donn.

    **Waves back to Ziggi**

    Gautami:

    Well, there are limits...lice might be a bit different...however, I am the Protector of the Universe.

    Go for it.

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  22. I love that the Ridman calls you Uncle Chris. How sweet!!!

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  23. omg he killed an innocent beetle!!?! i am shocked... i think i;ll also mail peta- just to make sure they take you seriously.

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