The Family (Or most of them)

The Family (Or most of them)
The Family

June 4, 2008

Getting to the Bottom of Things


Yes, that's a breast mug on top.

And yes, that's my bare butt on the bottom, so to speak.

Butt I'm writing about them both today because they relate to some other recent developments, all of which have to do with a devastating disease that almost everyone has been touched by.


Here are some pages from today's edition of the newspaper I write for.

Yes, our edition today is called the Pink Paper. You're not seeing a mistake involving red ink or pink dye. To our knowledge, we're the first paper anywhere to do something like this.

It's a full edition printed in pink, in honour of the fight against breast cancer. Basically, every second page of the paper tells a story related to breast cancer and the people who have fought it.
Ten cents out of each paper sold will go to the fight against breast cancer. With a total paid circulation of around 140,000, not including separate sales on the street or in boxes, that's a fair bit of coin.

One of my sisters (below) has fought this disease and won. She went through a long battle, but she's still with us, and much more.

I have come to admire her strength and will and positivity immensely. I doubt I could have emerged the way she has from this fight, or waged it with the courage she did.

She's the one who gave me that breast mug at the top.

An online poll today on our paper's website asked readers: "Have you or anyone you know had breast cancer?" Of 1,618 votes cast as of this writing, 87 per cent said yes; 13 per cent said no.

That's astounding.
And what does this have to do with my butt? Well, only this. There's a family history of colon cancer, you see. Several of my relatives have died of it; some of my others, including siblings, have encountered hints of it.

I've always been super healthy. But plumbing-wise, there have been a few, shall we say, "incidences of irregularity" that have caught my attention and have made me believe I'm NOT invulnerable.

So I'm getting tests done. And, gulp, I will need to get a procedure done called a colonoscopy. Google it.

Suffice to say while I'm confident and feel strong, my lifelong feeling of immortality is, ahem, being flushed down the toilet.

While I don't want to make of this any more than it is compared with the real-life battle my sister and so many others have waged, it's the ordinary, lovely souls like her who should be our real heroes.

We get so wrapped up in the latest actor, sports personality or famous trainwreck who's trying to dry out in the Betty Ford Clinic or whatever, the Brittney Spears and their ilk...the total fuck-ups who, for some reason, get all the attention.

We follow losers on TV shows like Celebrity Rehab or whatever it's called. Like Sly Stallone's former gal, Brigitte Nielsen. Or Scott Baio and that mental, mindless midget with him in the pic above.

We watch them crash and burn every week all in the name of ratings, retro-retread child stars and the like, embarrassing themselves on global TV with their boob jobs and liposuction and lip jobs and facelifts.

All the while, the truly REAL people on the planet who weren't born with silver spoons in their mouths or spectacular looks are surviving the way we were meant to survive or, sometimes, die, on our will and pure chance.

But that's boring.

Our media-frenzied world and pop culture-driven mass drivel-induced machine just keeps grinding out the pap, while the great masses struggle every day just to survive as totally inept governments look on.

It's all so absurd. But it's all those real-life struggles that still make the world go round, and deep down, I think anyone with a brain and conscience and depth knows that and values it and holds it close.

Now, pardon me while I go watch the latest on Scott Baio and his Chachi life.


  1. Ziggi:

    Ha@! I'm sure I will! I get so much other crap shoved up my a**, might as well enjoy this!

  2. To the best of my knowledge, there is no history of breast cancer or any other form of cancer in my family. I'm lucky enough that I've only ever known one person effected by cancer, and they managed to get rid of his last I heard. But cancer of all types is certainly our modern-day black plague; it's everywhere, unavoidable, and few are untouched by it.

    Enjoy your colonoscopy. I'm so glad I'm not a guy.

  3. Although there is no history of cancer in my family, I still do not consider myself invincible. It has a way of striking anyone. I know 6 females in my close vicinity who are survivors of breast cancer. Two of those did not have any history.

    No one is invincible. As you say, timely check ups are need of the hour.

    I think I will hunt for a breast mug. Or you can always send me one along with THAT doll!

  4. Why are there stains on your bottom?

    Couldn't you have washed first?

  5. Ziggi:

    You've turned green all of a sudden and, and...your shape has changed!


    I'm glad you're not a guy either, and I'm sure Aidan is, but women can and do get colon cancer too...


    Uh, sorry, you'll have to find your OWN doll and your OWN breast mug, I only have one of each...


    Gad, woman, do you notice EVERYTHING?

    That "stain" is grime that was on the original 3 x 5 print when I scanned it in.

    I had just crawled out of the lake with the blogger formerly known as HE after our canoe capsized in the middle of the night.

    So I was clean, might clean...

  6. fargin AWESOME post dude!!!
    i think what your paper did is spectacular and others could take a leaf out of your book!!!

  7. Scott Baio is 45 and retarded.

    Great post. I thought that the Paper was cool, hard to read but cool.

    Thank gawd you're not having anything done to your weiner or we'd have to see that too!

  8. Donn: "Thank gawd you're not having anything done to your weiner or we'd have to see that too!"

    Have YOU seen it?

  9. Judging by ya little 'white' bum and ya tan marks, does that mean you wear speedos? :)

    Both me parents died of cancer within 10 weeks of each other and 3 very close friends also died this past 2 years.... its a terrible disease.... much love and hats off to your sister.... and also to your newspaper....

    Now, remember NOT to clench ya bumcheeks when they start shoving the garden hose up ya bum ;)

    good luck with that, Im sure it will be quite an experience lol

    and hye, fanks for the hand to hold, just those simple gestures crept into the creases in me heart....


  10. 'hye' is blob talk for 'hey' LOL it must of been the visions of the garden hose and you bent over that caused me spelling mixup lol


  11. Angel:

    Thanks, but newspapers, as we found out, are NOT pretty in pink. It was hard to read.

    I still think it was a good idea though.


    Who isn't retarded on TV nowadays (I mean on those enterpainment tonight or unreality shows).

    I'm actually getting a weiner reduction. And that you will NOT see.


    Donn walks around with a lampshade on his head when he's not blogging or coaching kids' soccer.

    How could he see it?


    I admit to having worn Speedos when I was a competitive swimmer as a kid. But since then, I just go bare-bottom.

    And now you've got me all clenched up tighter than a...well, whatever. EEEEEEEEKKKKKKKK!!!!

    I'd better start doing some bending over exercises...yeesh...

    Glad to see you out and about.

  12. Oh no -- another reminder! I will be joining you on the colonoscopy table. The prep is excruciating but it's worth the peace of mind. Maybe. I'm so good about all my screening tests. My two best friends' mothers were both dead from breast cancer by the time they were 17 so I was aware of it very early. And who's been pawing the photo of your butt with grubby fingers? :)

  13. Andrea:

    What, they can do two tests at a time on the same table? Can I hold your hand?

    Thanks for the reminder on the prep. I'm so looking forward to this invasion.

    As far as the pawing of my butt, well, I wish I could come up with something better, but it's just plain old grime.

    That pic's from at least 10 years ago, I'd guess, more or less a lifetime, it seems.

  14. Ive done a bit of research for you.... apparently, if you sit on a large carrot and walk to ya doctors surgery with it clenched in ya bum cheeks, it makes the insertion of the garden hose much less painfull ;) ... its worth a try dont ya think LMFAO....


  15. I applaud your paper for their efforts. Maybe they can try just having the page headers in pink next year?

    Good luck with the colonoscopy (I wonder if they have greeting cards for that). I hope you blog about it and help raise awareness in the process.

  16. Toasty:

    OK, I'll try it! NOT!

    I think it's time for a new post...yechhhh...


    There's greeting cards for EVERYTHING!

    This post was supposed to be about a lot more than my butt, butt everyone's kinda focusing on that.


    I think I'll just let the test results fade in between the cracks, so to speak...

  17. Nice butt!

    (but on a serious note, I'm going for my mammogram tomorrow)

  18. Annie:

    That's my at least 10 years ago butt. I suspect it hasn't changed much, but who knows...

    Good luck with your mammogram tomorrow. I think I'll start calling my procedure the buttogram.


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