The Family (Or most of them)

The Family (Or most of them)
The Family

March 20, 2008

THE GREAT BIRD POOP INCIDENT

ON A DAY WHEN I WAS OTHERWISE PREOCCUPIED WITH THE SLIGHT PROBLEM OF NOT BEING ABLE TO HEAR A DAMN THING OUT OF MY RIGHT EAR, I WAS ACCOSTED...BY A CROW.

Actually, the attack came on Wednesday. But I didn't have my camera with me, and the incident left me rather shaken.

So I armed myself with my camera, my missile rocket launcher, my B.B. gun from childhood and my Canadian army fatigues (ha ha ha!) and went to work this morning to catch the black fiend and blast him to smithereens.

The picture above is of one of the outside walls of the building where I work. And you will notice that there are no bird behinds sticking out over the edge, some three or four storeys above.

My prey had escaped.


It was making itself scarce, apparently hanging out on some telephone pole out of my range, where it was cawing or laughing or whatever crows do when they shit on someone's shoulder.
There I was, leaning against the building on Wednesday, my right ear plugged because of a buildup of ear wax and who knows what else, and I was just trying to smoke a cigarette in the warm almost-spring sun.

SPLAT!

Right on my left shoulder. Missed my head by an inch, maybe two. I knew, immediately, what had happened. Others had similarly been victimized.

I immediately looked up and saw the crow's ass and tail feathers. I swear, its butt was laughing.

Linda, the artist/illustrator who was the only other person out there, saw it all. She immediately burst out in laughter herself. I can't say that was my initial reaction.

My black winter jacket was now polluted with a giant grey/white, oozing stain on my left shoulder. My first thought was "EWWWWW!!!" and to take the jacket off to get the poop off, but it was too cold.

Linda helped me clean off most of it as she tried to contain her guffaws, recommending I needed to wash it off with soap and water inside the building. So we went up the escalator to the third floor, and that is what I did.

But I instantly pledged to get my revenge on that crow. Unfortunately, he made himself scarce on Thursday. I could only take that one picture above, otherwise I might have been shot myself by our security weenies.

Still, this got me to thinking, in a bird-brain kind of way. I would have assumed that the dopey pigeons that fly aimlessly around our building year-round would have been responsible for such a dastardly, cowardly act.

I think they train for that, don't they?




(I think this pic above is Dubya, but I have no sympathy for him; he invites all the shit he gets)



And in a rather weak attempt at a suitable segue, I was finally able to attend to my doctor's office on Thursday.

There, he sprayed about 1,000 gallons of water into both my ears to dislodge about 10 pounds of ear wax that, eerily, similarly looks like shit.

Maybe there's a message in there somewhere.



(Eds note: This is not MY ear wax. My ear wax looks much worse. For pictures, which you do not want your children to see, contact Dr. MacLeod).

And while I'm at it, Happy Birthday, Gerry!

23 comments:

  1. Sounds like you are full of shit and covered in shit.... not the best way to be but at least you got both problems cleaned up!

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  2. It couldn't have happened to a nicer guy. Isn't that supposed to be a sign of Good Luck?

    I'm glad that someone else was there to savour the Schadenfreude.

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  3. I hope you kept the ear wax to make some natural candles for winter power cuts lol

    Laffing at your bird poo story.... I to would of laffed me socks off if I had seen ya splattered.... sorry, but I would of lol

    x

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  4. ps........ did you know its actually GOOD LUCK to get poo'd on by a bird :)...... so take that as a sign of something good is about to happen...

    x

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  5. oops.... just noticed donn said the same thing - bloody dinlo that I am.....

    X

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  6. Well THAT'S put me off my breakfast.

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  7. I would have felt a bit of Schadenfreude myself if I would have been there. I think the crow felt most of it.

    I'm happy that you have been flushed and wiped and cleansed. You are a new, improved WW! Especially now that you don't go around saying "Eh?" when someone talks to you and trying to read their lips.

    And I can confirm that having a bird poop on you is a sign of extremely good luck!

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  8. Ponygirl:

    Well I think it's a long- and well-established fact that I'm full of shit. Now that I've been shit on -- by a frickin' crow, no less -- I think that pretty well confirms it.

    Doinnk:

    Thanks! And yeah, you're right. Right after it happenned, one of our sales weenies passed by and said I should go out and buy a lottery ticket.

    I never did.

    Toasty:

    No I didn't, but I was thinking in retrospect that I should have asked the doc who removed it if I could take some pics for this post.

    And of course you would have laughed. I laughed my arse off after I got most of it off.

    And yeah, I know Donn raised that good luck angle, so apparently there's some truth to it...

    No worries...

    MJ:

    But why would that be?

    Carm:

    Yep, I can hear, I can smell, I can do most other things human beens can do now. I am a brand new me.

    Maybe I SHOULD go out and buy a lottery ticket...then I'll win a million bucks and can hire an army to destroy that crow...

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  9. Thank your stars that you were not in Deep shit!

    Only one day to go for my Birthday present!

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  10. Hello. This post is likeable, and your blog is very interesting, congratulations :-). I will add in my blogroll =). If possible gives a last there on my blog, it is about the Smartphone, I hope you enjoy. The address is http://smartphone-brasil.blogspot.com. A hug.

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  11. I came back to wish a belated Happy Birthday to Gerry!

    What have you lined up for him?

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  12. LOL WW @Splat!

    Keshi.

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  13. I'm terrified of birds - they are evil.

    I'm obsessed with ear wax - mine and that of others. I would love to have my ears cleaned out. I've heard that they can't remove all of the wax because you need some of it in there to protect your ear. So can you hear much more clearly now?

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  14. HELLO HELLOOOO CAN YOU HEAR ME? HAS IT WORKED??

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  15. Gautami:

    Are you saying I'm IN deep shit if I don't wish you a happy birthday? It's 41, isn't it?

    Smartphone:

    Well HELLO! You're quite a personality, you are...

    Gautami:

    On this side of the Atlantic, we don't do big birthdays for brothers. He's three hours away. An email and a salute on my blog was his gift.

    Keshi:

    Splat indeed! I'm just glad the little so-and-so missed my head...

    Anna:

    HUH? WHAT'D YOU SAY?

    Some people produce more ear wax than others. Other people have narrower ear canals.

    Get some ear oil (all you really need is mineral oil), bend your head sideways and put in some drops of the oil.

    Keep your head tilted that way for three or four minutes. Then put it over a sink and tilt it the other way.

    Some crud should come out with the oil. If it doesn't, do it again. If it doesn't, then you don't have a wax buildup.

    You can get a doc to do it if it gets really bad. They'll spray warm water into your ear to dislodge it.

    In my case, the water came through my other ear. :-)

    Ziggi:

    Had to get the doc to do it, but YES, I CAN HEAR!!!

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  16. How come these frickin' Brazilian auto dialing machines like Smartphone are getting past the system? I got one the other day.
    Bastards!

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  17. Mmmmm ear wax. I have thus far been fortunate enough to escape being shat upon, but my father has had a couple of incidents... on a ferry, a seagul chose dad's lovely black hair as the perfect location to deposit some nice white goop. Of course, that was a long time ago. Dad's hair is now quite grey so you probably wouldn't notice bird poop in it anymore.

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  18. I know that was a really silly joke about the water coming out the other ear, but I still laughed out loud. Thanks for that. :)

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  19. DONN:

    Wussy. It's consumerism and marketing at its best. You've got to give them some credit for ingenuity.

    Stace:

    Well, you haven't truly experienced life until you've had a baby, been responsible for conceiving one or being shit upon by a bird.

    Here's hoping that on the day you and Aidan conceive, both of you get shit upon by a winged creature.

    Then your lives will have truly been blessed.

    They don't call it CANberra for no reason, right??!!

    Anna:

    Well of course it was a really silly joke. But it's true! As you know, men's brains are much farther south. That explains a lot of things in life.

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  20. I got pooped on too! Yours was white, mine was disgustingly green. Gross!

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  21. Menchie:

    Ewwwww! GREEN??? I think I prefer the white/gray variety, thank you. But then the Phillippines is a lot greener than Canada for the most part...

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  22. bloody crow!!!
    i hope you get revenge soon...
    :D
    as for the earwax... how does a buildup like that happen? is it an illness...?

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  23. Angel:

    Haven't gotten the crow back yet, but I will!

    Like everything else, people produce different amounts of ear wax, they have different sized ear canals, etc.

    No illness involved but if I don't clean them out, they get plugged. So I have to clean 'em out!

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