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I'VE NEVER SEEN MY SON LAUGH SO HARD FOR SO LONG.
And I've never seen my daughter roll her eyes with so much disdain for him and for me...and then refuse to look at me as I tried to take her picture after the fact. She even tried to hide from the camera lens in embarrassment. 
My only regret is that I didn't actually see it happen.
Let me set the scene:
Saturday, Jan. 12, 2008, 9:08 a.m.
Daughter, 19, wakes up before dad, 52, and son, 16. Takes her usual place as Queen of the Planet on the couch, turns on TV, hides remote control inside blanket on top of her, knowing how much we both hate her shows.
9:18 a.m.
Dad wakes up, scratches self, crawls out of bed, turns on kettle for coffee, says good morning to daughter, gets paper from mailbox, starts reading with coffee in hand.
Dad wakes up, scratches self, crawls out of bed, turns on kettle for coffee, says good morning to daughter, gets paper from mailbox, starts reading with coffee in hand.
10 a.m.
Son awakens to extent he ever really awakens. Immediately commandeers computer to play Final Fantasy game. Hair all amok, as usual. Mumbles something that resembles "I'm hungry."
10:22 a.m.
Dad starts preparing standard homemade egg and bacon with melted cheese on muffin for son. Asks daughter if she would like egg/cheese with mixture. "Yes, please," she orders. Continues to watch innane TV shows.
10:45 a.m.
Daughter has now disappeared into room and closed door, leaving mindless TV crap blaring. Talks to boyfriend on phone. Son finds online Final Fantasy player from UK who needs his help battling bad guys.
Attempts to have Dad reverse cooking process so he can be Mr. Superhero for UK neophyte. Dad glares at him threateningly. Son says: "OK, Dad! OK!"
11:03 a.m.
Dad, reckoning he must feed beast first, shouts out "Evan! Breakfast!" Sends son off to living room with food. Son promptly changes channels on TV, thankfully.
Dad starts cooking daughter's egg, throws muffins in toaster, slices cheese.
11:08 a.m.
Dad calls daughter for breakfast. Recommends V8 high-fibre/low fat juice as culinary accompaniment. Is politely ignored by daughter, who trapses off like princess into living room and assumes control of TV remote.
11:15 a.m.
Dad, now in computer room/bedroom, hears son roar with laughter as daughter almost screams in disgust. Son bursts into my room in hysterics and falls on my bed.
"Monica's egg exploded! The egg yolk's in her hair and all over the place! HA HA HA HA HA!!!
11:15.09 a.m.
"HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!," Dad says as he and son resound together in revelry and merriment.
11:15.18 a.m.
"You guys are such morons," daughter exclaims as she brushes yolk out of her hair with fine-toothed comb, ignoring Dad's reminders that she had whined about him always overcooking eggs in the past.
And then they lived happily ever after.
Once again, the yolk's on you.
ReplyDeleteWith the scratching when you get up and the newspaper, you sound like Tony Soprano.
Man, that's funny. Poor girl!! The things that are funny to normal people are mortifying to teenagers! haha (Hang on, who am I calling normal anyway??) Very nice. I'm about to make dinner, a microwave meal, and every time I do those I worry that it'll explode in the microwave... a la Lara Croft. (movie, not game).
ReplyDeleteTell her, egg is good for the hair! You might as well apply on your head too. Raw egg, not cooked!
ReplyDeleteIsn't egg supposed to be, like, some sort of natural conditioner?
ReplyDeleteMy apologies to Monica for bursting out in hysterical laughter while reading this post.
ReplyDeleteMJ:
ReplyDeleteYeah, so it is...
I never really got into The Sopranos...can I be The Godfather instead?
Stace:
No, "the poor girl," after her initial shock at the egg yolk exploding all over, found it quite funny when my son and I couldn't stop howling.
Gautami:
I hear egg is good for the hair too, but not while the minutes are ticking down until you have to go to work and you've just washed your hair, as she had.
Andrea:
Yeah, supposedly. See above.
Anna:
No apologies needed. My son and I were still needling her about it this morning.
You want the role of The Godfather instead?
ReplyDeleteIs their your feeble attempt to lay on the casting couch?
MJ:
ReplyDeleteWell, I hadn't actually thought of that, but if you're the casting director or whatever, it's your couch...
I like eggs. I should eat more eggs. Scrambled. On toast. Hmm maybe that'll be dinner tonight.
ReplyDeleteStace:
ReplyDeleteWatch that cholesterol, though. I tell my son his body's going to explode by age 20 with all the eggs and bacon and other crapola he eats...
His response? "How do you know I won't last until I'm 22?" Seeing as you're now either 24 or 25, whatever it is, you might have passed that point of danger.
How exactly did the Queen of the Planet get her egg to explode...
ReplyDeletewas it an egg mcsumthin deal and when she bit into it ((SQUIRT))?
Those kids should be making you breakfast!..
and my kids should be making my breakfast too!
Does anyone have kids who make them breakfast?
Frigging brilliant! That was well done, dad ;). She might forgive you sometime this year.If you're lucky.
ReplyDeletethat must've been really funny! Poor Monica! At least it was just you and your son.
ReplyDeleteI love this! I wonder what I have to look forward to when my kids get older!? :)
ReplyDeleteThat's why I stick to simple brekkers for my younguns...sausage biscuits and scrambled eggs suit them just fine!
I'm 24 still, I think. But not for much longer, in a couple of months I'll be old. My cholesterol is fine, although Aidan's is slightly high. Which sucks for him, because he's the one who likes the big bacon and egg breakies and stuff, I very rarely feel like it. Except tonight, I had scrambled eggs on toast for dinner. Yum!
ReplyDeleteHomer Endicott:
ReplyDeleteGood point. Yep, it was an over-easy egg with melted cheese on it between a muffin thing.
When she bit into it, SQUIRT!
Yeah, they SHOULD be making me breakfast. But they know when they come over here, I want to play dad, and they take full advantage.
Lee:
You've resurfaced! Good to see you. She's already forgiven me. She just laughs and shakes her head and rolls her eyes...
Menchie:
Whaddya mean, poor Monica? I'm going to txt-msg all her friends and tell them...
Awa:
Yeah, just wait for it...you'll never be the same once they start their little tricks...
My kids used to be OK with scrambled eggs, but now they're so much more refined and cultured, doncha know...
Stace:
In a couple of months you'll be OLD? Here's old: you'll be able to reverse the numbers in your age and it will equal my age. Boo hoo!
how d'you make an egg explode then?
ReplyDeleteZiggi:
ReplyDeleteCmon, you bewitching witchy woman! Let me count the ways:
1. By throwing them at buses or other objects (as a kid).
2. By putting them in a microwave, unpunctured, in the shell.
3. By dropping them on the floor, as I usually do once a week at least.
4. By serving them between muffins and having your unsuspecting daughter bite into them.
I could go on...
52 isn't old. My parents are both older than you, and they're still young. Ditto for Aidan's parents. You're not old until you're like my grandfather and you don't know what decade it is anymore! ;)
ReplyDeletecan i say in the defence of the egg that research indicates that eggs actually LOWER cholesterol -eat enough of them your cholesterol level will drop. It has been demonstated -a doctor actually tried it for himself and sure enough his cholesterol level dropped. If a person doesn't have enough cholesterol in their diet the body will overcompensate by productioning too much cholesterol (as in the case of my old aunty who doesn't eat enough of anything and eneded up with high cholesterol). Of course another scenario of high cholesterol is where a person is eating too much naughty stuff. I usually eat 4 eggs a day. My doctor actually told me to do it. If a doctor in this day and age tells a patient that eggs will cause them a problem they are fibbing.
ReplyDeleteStace:
ReplyDeleteIf you, a grown woman, can reverse your age and it ends up being mine, that's ANCIENT.
In fact, I should be writing this in hieroglyphics, except that I took a cheap correspondence course.
I was around to see the last woolly mammoth take his last gasp in whatever era that was.
How I've lived into the 20th (I mean, 21st) century I'll never know.
Lee:
Oh sure, she's away from Blogdom for more than a month, she returns and leaves me with egg on my face.
Not that I've studied eggs and their effects on human physiology -- I just eat 'em -- but then I eat anything that I hear is bad for me.
I thought too many eggs clogged arteries and stuff like that there, but then I'm just goin' with what I hear is the flow.
Maybe if I eat three pounds of bacon a day, the eggs might not be very good for me?