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I HAVE ALWAYS LAUGHED UNCONTROLLABLY WHEN SOMEONE MENTIONS THE WORD, "POOP."
AND I HAVE DONE SO ONLY BECAUSE THE WORD AND THE PHYSICAL ACTION ITSELF ARE SO "HUSH-HUSH." OR, MORE ACCURATELY, FLUSH-FLUSH.
WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO TALK ABOUT STUFF LIKE THAT, A PHYSICAL FUNCTION THAT WE ALL MUST PERFORM, USUALLY EVERY DAY. IT'S VERBOTEN.
IT'S OFF-LIMITS.
Well, no it isn't.
In the spirit of Blazing Saddles and other endearing comedies that at least ventured into the realm of farting and other physically necessary functions that we politely pretend never happen, I'm venturing into the void, so to speak.
So my question here today is, What do you scoop while you poop? What do you read while you're in need? How do you pass the time while your bowels are sublime and doing their thing in rhyme?
What transpires while your expire? What knowledge awaits while you exfoliate? What can you learn while your bowels churn?
These are a few of my favourite readings while I'm on the Throne and all alone...
Us totally buff guys must keep up on our knowledge, of course (HA!)
I have not lost my gut, have not sculpted my body, do not have six-pack abs and do not have better sex. But I can dream, can't I? 
Derriere to dream!
ReplyDeleteActually I wish that I could chastise and humiliate you but my latest post is not that far removed from your fascinating, Freudian, fetishes and fecundity for frequently fantasizing and feebly formulating false fanfare about furbishing your famous farting & fecal facilities.
Dammit!
HE:
ReplyDeleteThere's another F word that would ideally be the main part of formulating my response to you.
But I will not use it.
You did not answer my question. What do you read when you're on the throne?
How Rude!
ReplyDeleteIt would be very impolite to sit there and read whilst ignoring those dear, little, faeries who work so hard to carry away any unpleasantness associated with the whole ghastly event.
Like any civilised person I do not discuss such matters but I understand that Commoners such as yourself find infinite solace in the knowledge that humans must eventually succumb to these horrid bodily functions like all of the lower animals.
Here is your new title..
How I'm-bare-ass-ing!
HE:
ReplyDeleteHa! Arse. But who knows, maybe I have offended the entire upper-class high-brow blogging community?
We commoners, you know...
This is one topic that's nicht verboten on my blog.
ReplyDeleteYou're always welcome to shoot the shit chez MJ.
MJ:
ReplyDeleteHa! NOTHING'S verboten on YOUR blog! Thanks. But you didn't answer the question I posed.
...Or maybe I don't want to know...
You probably have a laptop on some movable tray that's hooked up to hyper-speed...a computre eau de toilette...
Actually I read your blog and HE's blog.
ReplyDeleteI find it breaks down the bile.
This has got to be some Guy Thing, right? I don't think I've ever read anything whilst on the loo. We don't even have a calendar on the back of the door.
ReplyDeleteInstruction manuals and game manuals...
ReplyDeleteOr what ever novel or text i am carrying at the time.
I just clicked from TimeOuts blog onto yours and saw that you are from Minnetoba. I know that it is a VASt area, but I met some of the nicest people from up there, Dennis and Frida Fast (he is a photographer)
ReplyDeleteanyhow, just wanted to say hi! Funny post, my throne has the same types of magazines (thanks to my hubby) plus the Economist. I have now started to read there, which I NEVER USE TO! I still don't get why men (in general) like to read there! Isn't the sofa, bed or a chair a more pleasant place to catch up on your reading!?!
i dun read inside the toilet eeeeeeeks!
ReplyDeleteKeshi.
Honestly? We have a huge bathroom so it's used in more ways than just doing the deed. We even have a small refrigerator in our bathroom.
ReplyDeleteI actually lock myself in for an hour just to get some time to myself. Then I read, or do my nails. When it's late and the kids are asleep my hubby and I even talk inside so we won't wake them.
But ahem, to answer your question, anything really that I happen to be reading at the time. Or magazines.
This is TMI!!!
I'm with Stace, it must be a man thing - why would you want to read while on the loo? How long do you stay in there for gawd's sake?
ReplyDeleteI generally think while I'm there, I think why doesn't anyone else clean up in here.
Stace:
ReplyDeleteHa Ha Ha! Maybe it IS some guy thing, but I don't know why it WOULD be.
Rather than staring blankly straight ahead at the face towel that should be thrown in the wash...
...Or at the crack in the wall or at the mould on the tub...it seems only sensible that one should read.
Why not? You, for example, could read your scooter manual. Or write future blog posts on toilet paper sheets.
Aidan:
Gotcha, Mate. And talk to your wife about how she can make better use of her time in the loo...
SabineM:
Hi, thanks for visiting from Menchie's place!
It's actually Manitoba where I live. We're just north of the U.S. state of Minnesota.
You appear to have annexed us into one, but that's cool.
Can't say as I know the couple you've met, there are a lot of Fasts in Manitoba, almost all of them very nice Mennonite people.
I'm not smart enough to read the Economist (or interested enough), but congratulations!
The whole point of reading there is, well, you're STUCK there, so what else ARE you going to do?
It's using unproductive but necessary time productively. Don't you concur?
Keshi:
EEEEEEEKKKKKKK? What's so bad about the prospect, Keshigirl? It's so...sensible.
Hello? What am I? Chopped liver?
ReplyDeleteYou say you are no poet??
ReplyDeleteThis is (sheer)poetry. Anything slipping, flowing, gushing, pooping IS poetry..LOL!
And I leave your question unanswered.
mwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahaaaaa... i can't believe i'm actually replying! um, i usually take with me whatever book i'm busy with!
ReplyDeleteI'll be back when you have a decent subject again ;-)
ReplyDeleteMenchie:
ReplyDeleteYou are the Loo Queen of the Phillippines! I hereby award you the comment of the day award on my blog!
You have a fridge in your bathroom...that's incredible. Your hubby and you talk inside it. Fascinating.
And you read and do your nails while otherwise occupied...ILLUMINATING!
And you're telling me that I'm seeking TMI? You're the girl, girl!
Ziggi:
Of course it's a guy thing -- it's such a great idea, it MUST be!
No, really...why just sit there and, well, do almost nothing? Why not fortify the brain?
Why not gain something while you're losing something at the other end?
Or, you can spend your time wondering why Himself or your daughters don't clean up in there...
MJ:
Patience girl! Of course you're not chopped liver! You're...well, something else.
I missed your second comment, but it was brilliantly funny, I admit...a pile of bile...
Gautami:
I dare YOU to write a poem about pooping and purging. I dare you.
Angel:
HA! But you did! You did respond!!! Ha Ha Ha Ha!!! (You just leapt a mile in my book!)
Hildie:
OK, within a couple of days (sigh, walks away crying)
I have nothing to say about this post!
ReplyDeleteBut this morning, I opened my Saturday paper's "review" section and saw a photo of one Len Cariou in a movie still with Sally Kellerman!
Email me if you'd like me to send it.
Dinahmow:
ReplyDeletePoint taken on the post :-)
S'OK on the newspaper clipping, thanks.
I'm with Stace and Ziggi on this one. This has got to be a guy thing. Although I must admit to being very impressed with menchie's comment about her bathroom. Wow!
ReplyDeleteAnna:
ReplyDeleteYeah, that Menchie IS impressive, isn't she?
The thing I don't get here is that women sit ALL the time. Men only sit PART of the time.
Why wouldn't more women have been the ones to evolve such activities into more productive time...
By reading or something?
I think it's because most of us don't really stay on the throne as long as most men do. You guys seem to enjoy lingering on that thing. J (and he might kill me for this) even carries his coffee cup in there! I shudder at the grossness of that.
ReplyDeleteAnna:
ReplyDeleteWell, maybe we have more to expel...but eewwwwww, I never bring something in there to drink or eat.
Neither, though, do I want to sit and just look at the wall ahead of me.