June 15, 2006
FROM MARS, WITH LOVE
HELLO, EARTH CREATURES!
Marvin the Martian here on the barren landscape of the red planet, just peaking in to see how you're doing...and observing that from out here, you seem to be a little confused.
What is it about humans that while millions are starving in Africa and dying of disease and at the hands of machete-wielding countrymen, all of your focus is on a silly sport where your males kick a ball around for 90 minutes?
We noticed that the leader of your superpower collection of individuals, we believe you call him Dubya, flew in one of your primitive air-travel vehicles yesterday to that place you invaded for no apparently good reason at all.
He shook hands with some of your armed warriors for the cameras and then returned to the place with the big white building in the landmass you call North America. And today, the 2,500th American soldier was killed in the tiny locale you call Iraq.
Huh? We are baffled about many things that you do. We've been thinking about dropping by for a visit, but we keep hearing you say that your males are from our planet and your females are from Venus.
The only Earth creature we've ever seen is a long-eared species named Bugs Bunny. Oh...wait a minute now...I'm getting word of a breaking development in the land you call the British Isles...
This story, just in...
A PENSIONER has been charged with sending packages containing sugar and weedkiller to Prime Minister Tony Blair and his family, police have said.
A suspect package similar to this was sent to the Blairs. Shirley Rita Freed allegedly posted parcels marked for the attention of Mr Blair, his wife Cherie and son Euan to 10 Downing Street.
The 72-year-old, from West Sussex, is also accused of sending letters containing white powder to Patricia Hewitt, the Health Secretary, and Ann Clwyd MP.
A Scotland Yard spokesman said Freed was charged with five offences under the Anti-Terrorism, Crime and Security Act 2001 (HA HA HA!!!!) when she answered bail this afternoon. All the packages and letters were sent last year.
The charges state that the packages were sent intending "to induce in a person anywhere in the world a belief that it is likely to be or contain a noxious substance or other noxious thing and thereby endanger human life or create a serious risk to human health".
The letter to Euan Blair was allegedly posted on or before May 16 last year, and had enclosed a card, a handwritten note and sodium chlorate - a common weedkiller.
The following month a letter containing newspaper cuttings, sugar and weedkiller was sent to Mrs Blair at Downing Street, according to the charges.
Freed is accused of sending packages to Mr Blair and Ms Hewitt in September, both with newspaper cuttings enclosed.
Mr Blair received sugar and weedkiller, while a laxative was sent to the Health Secretary at the Commons. Ms Clwyd - a vocal supporter of the Iraq war - received aluminium sulphate, used in water purification, at the Commons in December.
Freed is due to appear before magistrates in Brighton on June 29.
We up here on Mars salute your western leaders -- that is, Dubya and the Blairs -- for hitting at the true heart of terrorism on your planet, namedly 72-year-old Earthling females.