The Family (Or most of them)

The Family (Or most of them)
The Family

February 29, 2008

The end for me and my Bum Buddy

SHE HAS FONDLED MY BUM FOR AT LEAST 10 YEARS, MAYBE 15 OR MORE.

DAY IN, DAY OUT, SHE'S BEEN THERE FOR ME, PROVIDING ME A WARM COMFORT ZONE FOR MY LEFT BUTTOCK, ALONG WITH CREDIT, CASH, AN IDENTITY AND EVEN AIR MILES.

NOT TO MENTION SHE'S MADE A SHROUD OF TURIN-LIKE IMPRESSION ON MY BACKSIDE AND BURNED A HOLE IN MY DENIM BECAUSE OF HER CURVES AND FAMILIARITY.




"She" is my wallet. And today, after a lengthy and loving relationship, I cast her aside for someone new.




She's been loyal and faithful, a constant companion.

I've taken her out of my back pocket, rifled through her, caressed her, held her, taken a lot of things out of her, and then just stuffed her back inside my pocket.



She's never complained once.



But she has worn herself out, or at least I've worn her out. She's getting a little frayed around the edges. Inside, she's a little tattered and torn, no doubt as a result of me trying to put too much in her.



So when my daughter asked me what I wanted for Christmas, a new butt bumpkin was one of my answers. And she came through.

Here it is on Feb. 29, a unique day, when I decided to say goodbye to Wilma my Wallet.



We've spent most of the day just going over old times and exploring the recesses of our minds, seeking out those old memories.




I've now emptied her of all her contents so she feels rather alone and naked, but I've assured her she's beautiful in her nakedness.

No more credit cards, frayed health insurance cards and the like, my driver's licence with the goofy photo.



Her leather skin has faded but is still that same old beautiful brown, Made in Canada, that was stuck to my cheek all these years.

I've lightened her load and I've told her my life will never be the same.

But it's time for her to go, because my daughter has found me someone new.



She's very pretty, shiny, and that same brown that I like...and I explored her this morning on my bed to learn more about her.

She's made in India, not Canada, for one thing. Is anything made in Canada any more?

Not to complain, mind you. But there are other things I've noticed.

She has way more slots for credit cards. And I try to limit my credit cards, so I inserted other cards in their place. I hope she's OK with that.


You might also note that this new wallet, whose name is Winona, came with a Diner's Club card and a Gold Mastercard, although apparently, as below, they mistook me for someone else.


So my pseudonyms are now Frank Helgen Felder and Bruno Olivier. No problemo. Those credit card numbers seem a little suspicious, but I'm sure I can get by with three identities rather than just one.

All I'll have to do is show the fancy inner lining of my Winona, and any skeptical maitre d's or cashiers will immediately be sucked in about the extent of my great wealth.



And if that doesn't impress them, certainly my change purse and the very obvious reference to my Winona being all-leather will wow them. I don't anticipate any difficulties at all, although I put all my change in my pocket.



So today, I have mixed emotions. I'm giving up one bum buddy for another, who will be new and have her own character and will conform to my butt as she sees fit.

Wilma has asked to be cremated, but I don't know if I can bring myself to do that. I hear burning leather kind of smells.

I might just kind of keep her hanging around, just in case Winona doesn't work out or she dumps me...or I dump her.

30 comments:

  1. Go with Bruno Olivier. It has that continental je ne sais quoi!

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  2. Wow! Ten years - and she didn't have to be surgically excised from your butt cheek! I've never had a purse last that long, and I don't sit on the damn thing. Don't know how you and Wilma lasted so long. May your new relationship with the lovely Winona be of equal duration!

    I don't know if you can handle three identities, though. You may get way too confused, get them all mixed up and then you REALLY won't have a clue who you're supposed to be!

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  3. Anonymous9:52 PM

    Hey Mr. spaceship:>)

    You should'nt sit on your wallet - it's bad for your back

    ur brother

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  4. You don't even have a butt so
    what are you talking about?

    That's just &#%@$^# typical.
    Wilma gives you the best years of her life and how do you repay her?

    By tossing her aside for some cheap whore?

    You #&%@*% BASTARD!
    ((ptooey!))

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  5. Andrea:

    Yeah, I thought Bruno would be best...kind of brings out my French heritage and all. :-)

    Ponygirl:

    See, the wallet evolved as a security measure against common thieves. If you're sitting on it, no one can steal it.

    There is one drawback, however. Because of that constant weight on Wilma, all of my laminated cards, etc., stick together and are almost impossible to remove.

    No doubt I will be confused with three identities. I'm already confused just with one.

    Ur Bro:

    Thanks, Mr. Back Specialist Doctor Guy. I've heard that too. I think I'll risk it.

    Homely Escapeon:

    I don't have a Jabba the Hutt Butt like you do is what you mean.

    Wilma is still sitting on my kitchen table, part of my mourning process. No doubt she'll remain there for weeks, kind of like the body of James wotshisname.

    Have they buried him yet?

    MJ:

    I may be fickle as far as Wilma goes, I admit.

    But I'll have you know I have so far resisted abandoning my black and white PJ bottoms for the green penguin ones my daughter bought me, even though these ones have a hole in the back end...

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  6. Goodbye Wilma, sniff. Hello Winona.

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  7. Who knew, a wallet could be so sexy?

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  8. Typical man
    you Take and
    you Take and
    you Take!

    Although I do think that Wilma was an enabler.
    Boundaries Wilma, BOUNDARIES!

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  9. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  10. Now I can die happy. I've seen your bum. :)

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  11. I think you've made the right choice. Winona looks a lot more versatile and practical, and will last you another ten or fifteen years. Personally I go through wallets like nobody's business - not out of any desire to be fashionable, I just tend to buy cheap ones that fall apart fairly quickly. Even my "new" one, which I've had for six months or so, is already coming apart. Oh well, I'll upgrade sooner or later.

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  12. I was gonna type..... typical bloke 'swapping a long time love for a newer younger model' LMFAO....

    Maybe you should now be carrying a 'man bag' ;)

    or, the very least you should have some soft warm hands caressing ya bum lol

    Loved this post.... it made me smile on this bright and sunny Muvvers Day Sundee......

    x

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  13. Hildie:

    Yeah, she was a beautiful woman, I mean wallet, Wilma was. But Winona is wunnerful, just wunnerful.

    Annie:

    I admit Wilma had a lot of sexiness to her, one of the qualities that attracted me to her in the first place.

    She had all the curves and bumps in all the right places, and she felt good, no doubt.

    I had no reason to be unfaithful or anything, but once Winona came on the scene, our parting of ways was only a matter of time.

    So our time of cheek to cheek has ended, and she's OK with it. I still miss her, though.

    Homeboy Escapeons:

    Thanks, man...another blow to the male psyche just as we're finally inching back towards respectability.

    Pam:

    Don't die yet!

    Well, you also heard my voice once too, didn't you, when you had that audio thing on your blog?

    Stace:

    I'm not at all sure I've made the right choice, I doubt that Winona will have Wilma's endurance and staying power.

    But it's out of my hands, so to speak.

    So what, you don't carry a purse but you use wallets? Does that mean Aidan carries a purse, then?

    Toasty:

    I already have a built-in man bag, sorry!

    And it's not for carrying money or ID!

    I have some nice warm hands caressing my bum, thanks!

    Glad you smiled. :-)

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  14. Man Bag does NOT mean Scrotum Sack LMFAO.....

    Glad ya have someones warms hands on ya bum..... that aint ya own lol

    x

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  15. Anonymous3:26 PM

    Sniff... Sniff... What a beautifull story... Sniff...
    Cheers,
    Andrew

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  16. Define "purse" as opposed to "wallet"... Either way, it's a thing with my cards and money which gets toted around in my so-called handbag. It's black, it folds up, what more can I say?

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  17. Toasty:

    Yeah, it feels good...but how can a male bag not be taken as a scrotum sack?

    That's where life begins and ends, isn't it? (*Runs away, giggling*)

    Andrew:

    Please do not sniff too closely...

    :-)

    Stace:

    Oh, so you DO have a handbag. Wallets are this big, and purses are THIS big. That's all I can say.

    Mine opens and closes. Yours folds up and unfolds?

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  18. I think this is where I say you men are all alike! *rant.....rant....rant.....****

    LOL!

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  19. Not exactly a handbag... it's actually quite a large satchel type thingie that slings across... never mind, I'll find a photo if I can be bothered. But it's large and practicle. Not like a handbag at all!

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  20. "Maybe you should now be carrying a 'man bag' ;)"

    That would be a "murse" in the local lingo (Man Purse, get it?)

    WW Please let Mr. HildenFelger know that I ordered some Victoria's Secret items with his Master Card. I think it's only fair to let him know.

    I like Winona!

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  21. I know Wilma is looking kinda old and tattered, but I prefer her over Winona. Wilma has more character. I like that "distressed" look.

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  22. Menchie:

    Of COURSE men are all alike! We are here for one reason, and one reason only, just like drone bees and male king ants!

    To propogate the species! Then, we often get ourselves eaten by our impregnated female mates!

    Can you blame us for our seemingly shallow ways?

    Stace:

    Yeah, just send me a pic. It's far too complicated to explain. Sachel, bag, wallet...whatever.

    ...But only if you can be bothered, mind you. :-)

    Carmy:

    I'm quite satisfied with my man bag (or should that be gag?), thank you.

    I have already received the hefty Victoria Secret bill in your name, made out to Walter Hingenfeelher or whomever...

    You're pretty high-falutin' there, Carm...

    Anna:

    I know how you feel. Winona doesn't at all feel familiar and soft and stuff the way Wilma did.

    But Winona will be that way soon, once I break her in...

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  23. It is all about but(t)-talks!

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  24. Gautami:

    Hey, that's a pretty fantastic play on words for a gal whose first language isn't English!

    Good on you girl!

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  25. A beautiful homage to an old friend...

    And, no, don't cremate poor Wilma, she needs a nice cushy spot in your undie drawer...where on occasion you can give her a nice caress or two.

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  26. Sunny Dee...

    Welcome!

    That's a great idea, that is! Yes, my undie drawer is where she rightly belongs, for all the right (cheek) reasons.

    That's where I'll lay her down to rest...and as I'm rifling through that drawer bleary-eyed and late for work, I'll caress her, yes I will...

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  27. dude... only you could do a post like this!

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  28. i just went through the same experience as you except that when i went to walmart and got a new wallet none of the slots would hold any of my credit cards. it must have been made in china for some midget chinese!

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