MORE SOCKS...and SEX!

This isn't really about socks and sex.

I just thought it was a catchy headline.

However -- and I hope I'm the only blogger who has ever done two consecutive posts on socks, in which case I should be in the Guiness World Book of Blogging Records -- this IS DEFINITELY about those cloth things we wear to cover our feet.

I have actually blogged before about socks.

I mentioned them in my first annual spring male fashion series, where I touched on such critical issues as wearing socks and sandals, which is not the fashion faux pas women say it is.

Although I, personally, never do that, of course.

No, this post is all about socks and male virility which I suppose, in some way, is related to sex.

And in this case, my OWN virility, which was questioned by a co-worker this week but defended by another co-worker after my fashion sense and, therefore, my entire reason for being, was attacked by my daughter.

Let me explain.

My daughter, in the past year (I think it was last summer), looking at the supposedly far from cool calf-high white socks that I always used to wear with shorts in the summer, uttered this crushing comment:

"Dad, you look like a nerd in those socks."

Being deeply offended by such a remark, I cried, then asked: "Why?"

"They're so old-school. Guys wear anklets now. They look cool. You don't."

I went and tickled her into submission and dismissed her words, then promptly went out and bought about 18 pairs of anklets, some with the Nike swoosh so I could look super hip and give Nike free advertising.

I've worn these socks now all summer, figuring I was the hippest, baddest 51-year-old cool guy wannabe on the planet.

Until this week, when I was out having a cigarette at the side of the building at my workplace, where they herd all us smokers to hide us from the unwashed, pure masses who are going to die tomorrow from our second-hand smoke.

The conversation went something like this:

(DISCLAIMER: the following is a direct quote and is not intended to offend anyone of any sexual orientation.

The word used was said in a spirit of the measure of a man's level of masculinity or femininity only, and in humour):

Woman 1: "Those socks look gay."

Me: "WHAT!!??"

Woman 2: "No they don't, my husband wears those. They don't look gay."

Woman 1: "Yes they do. They look gay."

My boss, hopelessly out of his league: "Uhh...my son wears those all the time."

Me: "WHAT??!!"

Woman 2: "Everyone wears them. They're not gay."

Woman 1: "Yes they are. And you buy his underwear for him too?"

Woman 2: "Yeah, but...(to my boss): Do YOU wear anklets? Do you even wear socks? And what about on the days you wear your cowboy boots?"

My boss (pulling up pant leg to reveal calf-high socks with his golf shoes): "No. Never would. But my son does. And so do all his friends. I think you're in trouble here, guy. I'm staying out of this."

Me: "Wait a minute. My daughter told me I looked like a nerd in the socks I used to wear. Now I'm cool. I'm hip. I'm happenin'. And now you're tellin' me they're GAY?"

Woman 1: "They're gay. You're not gay, but your socks are."

I went home that night and contemplated this question.

The fact is, when my daughter told me I looked like a nerd and I should wear anklets, I too thought they were "gay." But all the football players I cover and know wear them.

Most other athletes I know wear them too, male and female. But most males over 50, I'd wager, don't wear anklets.

They wear thigh-high socks, Bermuda shorts and t-shirts they shouldn't be allowed to wear that just expose their mammoth pot bellies.

I have spent hours (OK, minutes) researching this complex topic.

And I direct you to this Sock Dreams website, http://www.sock-dreams.com/_shop/pages/socks_cat_CategoryID_57.php, which appears to be an authority on socks.

I do point out that while there is a specific section on anklets -- it says, excitedly, that EVERYONE should own at least a couple of pair -- the great majority of socks they display are regular-height ones.

Maybe I should be wearing these anklets? Or maybe...not...

As an enticement for my 2.3 male readers to go the link above, there's a brilliant section, with pictures, on fishnet stockings. So check it out. It's all quite mind-numbing and potentially arousing.

The variety of socks is, in fact, almost incomprehensible. It's so overwhelming that I have a headache.

But let's boil all this down to the question at hand. And in a completely unrelated thought, view the video that shows you how to fold socks, including anklets.


Here's me in anklet socks and in regular socks, the kind I used to wear...what should -- WHAT CAN -- a man do?






I throw this universally pondered quandary out to the millions of people who read this blog:

Are anklets gay? What socks do you wear?