The Family (Or most of them)

The Family (Or most of them)
The Family

July 25, 2007

Note the word "anal" in the word "analogies"


And they can be fun too -- whether they work correctly or, even moreso, when they don't.

I'm a writer by trade.

Generally, I try to avoid making analogies if I can unless I absolutely know they work perfectly and no one could possibly not get the parallel or comparison I'm trying to make.

Analogies can work exceptionally well, or they can fail miserably. I tend to use them more in every day speech than I do in other ways.

For example:

"He's built like a brick shit house."
"Homo Escapeons has a face only a mother could love."

Anyway, all of this is a phoney lead-in to something I got from a fellow writer this week, and which I hope gives you a few giggles. These are actual analogies used in essays assigned to high school students.

But a final question before you read them...what is your favourite analogy of all time?

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge free ATM.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighbourhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.


  1. LOL! I've read those before and they never fail to make me laugh and/or cringe. Sometimes at the same time.

    I'm not sure I have a favorite analgoy... I should get one, huh?

  2. Heh heh...loved #12.

    Don't have a favorite though, but I've laughed through some really terrible analogies in romance novels. Lots of really funny ones in those books.

  3. "it hung in the air the same way that bricks dont"
    Douglas ADams Hitch hikers guide to the Galaxy!

    Love the analogies, good for a chuckle on a busy friday..


  4. This was hysterical WW. And who would fry maggots in hot grease? Yum ...

  5. Oh, the nose hair one -that turns my stomach :).
    My favourite is pretty common - and have used it on my blog before: He's as useless as tits on a bull.

  6. Pam:

    Figures you might have seen them before, being a writer yourself. They were a hoot.

    Yes, get a favorite analogy, please. You're as bad as...DOH!


    I like No. 12 too, but also Nos. 1, 3, 5 and 15. All in fun, just like a...oh, never mind.

    Aidan, me man:

    I like that one! Of course, here it's only Thursday, so I'll have to strike your comment from the record until tomorrow...


    Indeedy, huh?


    Oh, cmon! That one's as old as the hills! Let's reverse it and say it's as useless as balls on a cow or sow or something, at least...


  7. I said it was common -you mean Canadian man!:).

  8. Oh yes! Douglas Adams was the Master!

    "How do you feel?" he [Ford Prefect] asked.
    "Like a military academy," said Arthur, "bits of me keep on passing out."


    "It's unpleasantly like being drunk."
    "What's so unpleasant about being drunk?"
    "You ask a glass of water."

  9. Are you sure these are called analogies? I thought they were called similes. I'm confused now.

  10. I can't believe those come from high school students - they're fabulous! I laughed at almost all of them. The humor seems to dry and mature for most high school students.

    I don't think I have an all time favourite, but a friend recently said something that made me laugh. He was talking about a very obese man and said, "The guy had more chins than a chinese phone book."

    Number 4 and 14 are my favourites from the list you posted.

  11. By the way, I love that Simply Red song... love Simply Red.

  12. Lee:

    Mean? Me? You're right, that one's universal, it seems, but it's very apropos.

    I was just teasin' you with a reverse gender discrimination twist, all for you. :-)


    I don't know if those are analogies...but they're close enough and funny enough for me!


    You're just way too smart and troublesome, aren't you? I found this on the Web:


    Simile, metaphor, analogy


    Can you please describe a simile vs. a metaphor? Can you please give examples of each?

    Also, how would you define "analogy"?

    Thank you.

    A simile is a figure of speech in which two essentially unlike things are compared, often with a phrase introduced by like or as:

    Her teeth are like pearls.
    He’s white as a sheet.
    "A deferred dream dries up like a raisin in the sun." (Langston Hughes)

    A metaphor implies a comparison between otherwise dissimilar things without the use of like or as:

    "All the world’s a stage." (Shakespeare)
    She’s so shy. She’s a little mouse.
    By marrying her, he’s embarked on a sea of troubles.

    An analogy is a type of comparison. It compares objects or ideas from different classes – things not normally associated. The word analogy refers to a whole idea or paragraph; the analogy itself may contain similes and/or metaphors:

    I was so sick. My head felt like a battered soccer ball, and the nasty flu was the home team trying to score a goal with it.


    I like Simply Red too...and the Chin/Chinese phone book joke :-)

  13. Oh yes - I have seen these before. My librarian friend sent this meme around a while back and we all chortled with glee like a woman-hating neocon at the death of an abortionist by the hands of a pro-*snicker*-lifer.

  14. my all time favourite analogy is in afrikaans...
    "hy's so toe soos 'n plastic pop se poes"
    literally translated (and it loses a lot in translation) it says
    "he's as closed as a plastic doll's (ahem, uuuuh) vagina"
    in afrikaans- telling someone they're "toe" (pronounced as a short, sharp "2" & translates to "closed" in english) is the same as telling them they're as thick as a brick...

  15. My mother is the editor of a magazine, and in their old offices they used to have a very similar list pinned on the back of the toilet door. You could tell a newcomer or visitor by the giggles as they peed!

  16. You had me laughing from the very beginning with "note the word 'anal' in the word 'analogies'" -- I knew this was going to be my kind of posting!! Analogies are a real art form worthy of their own museum, or at least a wing in one of the major museums, don't ya think? I totally loved the list of them -- great fun!! I'm going to have to give some thought to my all time favorite one. In the meantime, my favorite one from your list is # 10, with # 12 being a close second. I hope you have a really nice weekend!

  17. Shelley:

    Now THAT is an effective analogy...kinda gets the point across, huh?


    I had never seen Afrikaans in print. And certainly not in a "Barbie Doll" context like that.

    I'm such a toe...


    There's nothing like being entertained during a pee break, is there?


    Are you saying I'm anal? :-)

    You have a great weekend too.

  18. Thank you for the clarification. I knew you could eliminate any confusion. :)

  19. Anna:

    Are you kidding? Now I'm more confused than ever...:-)

  20. Those ANALogies was as bad as, like, whatever.

    "Homo Escapeons has a face only a mother could love."

    Did you happen to notice anything askew with that sentence..if strict logic is applied to that sentence, it should mean that the subject of the main clause of a sentence (here, my face or facisimile your ass) is assumed to be the subject of a phrase attached to the main clause – as in a Mother's love.

    So it should be a face THAT only a mother could love. (hic)
    You taaake that back (hic)
    Why I oughtta (hic)
    I know you are (hic)
    but what am I (hic)
    I dare you to come here and (hic) say that

  21. HE:

    Yes, my ass is similar to your face. And I'll head over there any time to tell you that.

    Your attempt at questioning my grammar -- even as you mispell the word facsimile and others and use the phrase, "those analogies was..." -- is entertaining.


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