The Family (Or most of them)

The Family (Or most of them)
The Family

March 23, 2007

A RETURN TO EARTH

MY DUTIES AND RESPONSIBILITIES ON THE HOME PLANET HAVE BEEN CURTAILED.



I have been ordered to return to Earth to re-assume my human identity as a sports reporter, in order to fulfil my duties to cover the World Women's Hockey Championship April 3-10.

(Photo illustration: Homely Escapeons)

I must be honest and say I'm not particularly comfortable in my Earth disguise, but it's a hazard of life as a Martian on this planet.

I've asked for a new identity/appearance, but it hasn't received budget approval.

In the meantime, I am carrying out my assigned task, heading to Dauphin, Manitoba, on Saturday where the Canadian team at the World Championship begins a week-long training camp.

I'll spend the next several days with elite female athletes -- almost all of them 5-foot-9 and 160 pounds and able to crush me like a fly with one fell swoop -- hoping to write about them without being consumed whole.

And the woman I most fear is pictured below.

I dare not mention her name in case she happens to Google herself and, thus, find this report and summarily execute me by biting my head off in front of the whole Team Canada squad.


She's about 5-foot-2 and 890 pounds, roughly the size of a Winnipeg Blue Bomber defensive tackle.

And she can be a lot more ornery to journalists like me, pictured below in Finland in 1991 covering the World Men's Hockey Championship.


If I asked her who will be on Canada's top line, she could growl out three names and then have me tied to the goalposts during practice and have her players take slapshots at my more sensitive parts.

That could hurt. And I have to conserve my strength, seeing as I will be covering the team right through until they (almost certainly) win the gold medal over the U.S. on April 10.


But assuming I can avoid the wrath of MD, as I'll call the Canadian coach, I should be OK.

The players seem to be able to tolerate me, kind of like we tolerate mosquitoes, gnats and other things in the summer.

One of the projects we've carried out here in advance of the world championship is to write up little "hockey cards" on each player that we now are running every day on a color page in our sports section.

I've adapted them slightly and invite fellow bloggers to write their own, for publication and for posterity. Fill out what you want...or don't want.

Name: xxxxxx xxxxxxx

Position: xxxxxxx

Height: xxx. Weight: xxx

Shoots: xxxx.

Hometown: xxxxxxx

Date of birth: xxxxx

Biggest Influence: xxxxxxxx

Favourite memory: xxxxxx

When I finish my playing career, I would like to: xxxxxxxx

If Hollywood wanted to make a movie about me, who would I like to portray me, and why: xxxxxxxxxxx

21 comments:

  1. It's nice to see you back. I hope you enjoy your time in Dauphin. What is there to do in Dauphin anyway? I mean, besides covering this event.

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  2. Hey there, sweets!! Looking good in those pics....except the baby photo...the head is a tad too big!

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  3. i hope this woman doesn't sit on you by mistake, ww. take care of yourself!

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  4. I rather like the current human identity, so I'm hoping your application for budget approval falls through. ;-)

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  5. You'll have to excuse my Antipodean ignorance...when anyone on the North American Continent says "hockey" I assume ice.As in Stanley Cup. But I also assume that the ladies' game is of the field type,yes?
    And a warning: never allow a fully-kitted goalie to stomp on your foot.Not even if you're wearing your playing boots.

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  6. what language IS this?

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  7. Not much of a disguise....
    that baby shot is fantastic, has to be some of HE's Work... Sounds lke a fun trip

    take care....

    Aidan

    Sports bio to follow on my blog:)

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  8. Is this your way of telling us you're fecking off soon and not to expect visits from you or postings?

    Not that I'm bitter.

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  9. Hey mullet boy circa Finland '91...
    here is my Hockey card..

    NAME:
    Donnie(the velvet hammer)Coppens
    POSITION: LW/C/RW/D/G
    HEIGHT: 6'6"
    WEIGHT: 245 lbs
    SHOOTS: both ways (ooh-la-la)
    HOMETWON: Fannystelle, Manitoba
    D.O.B.:Dec 6/57
    BIGGEST INFLUENCE: Bobby Orr (undisputed best 2-way player ever)
    FAVORITE MEMORY: NHL MVP '76-'97
    12 Stanley Cups
    POST CAREER: won 7 Oscars (4 as Director/3 best Actor), 10 Grammys, 3 Pulitzers, 2 Nobels, and a partridge in a Pear Tree...
    Discovered Cure for all known diseases, achieved World Peace as UN Sec/Gen.
    HOLLYWOOD DOPPLEGANGER: Young version Orlando Bloom/ Mature version George Clooney

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  10. I am not too happy to see you back. You have been thrown out and we Earthlings have to bear the brunt.

    I should try to be nice to guests of our planet but you are a fugitive. So that excuses me. Well, kind of.

    Maybe if you put up your case visiting me, we can negotiate on that.

    Till then, happy crushing by those females.

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  11. That disguise might fool the humans....

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  12. Anna:

    I'm not "back," per se...Dauphin calls itself the City of Sunshine and on Sunday morning, that's what it is.

    It also calls itself the Ukrainian capital of Canada, holds an annual National Ukrainian Festival, holds the Dauphin Country Fest in the summer...

    What I mostly get to do now, however, is look outside my hotel window at the McDonald's and the WalMart...

    Awaiting:

    I won't say it...

    KJ:

    I will see her today and try to get on her "good" side -- from about 50 feet away...

    Laurie:

    Budgets tend to get held up in the Martin Parliament, so I'm not holding my breath...

    ;-)

    Dinahmow:

    You're right about ice hockey, of course...but this is women's ice hockey. They're very good players, and Canada's Hayley Wickenheiser was the first woman to score a point in a men's professional league game (in Finland).

    Women's field hockey...not so much here in Canada.

    Ziggi:

    This is Canajun, translated from Martian...

    Aidan:

    Of course it was HE...who else?

    I really hope to get to your sports bio...

    MJ:

    Oh yes you are...I'll try to get by soon, kiddo...

    HE:

    Mullet Boy here...they're all the rage on Mars...

    Thanks for being the first one to finally even acknowledge my attempt to fill out the hockey card part...(*laughs*)

    Gautami:

    This crushes me more than the crushing I'll get from all those highly-trained females...it's the coach I'm wary of...

    And I am not a fugitive...

    Breakerslion:

    You can thank your bud Homo Escapeons for that pic...

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  13. Hey they have free internet sevice in my room here in Brandon so I will try to sneak on whenever Alice and Ridz ae at the pool or asleep..D'oh gotta go!

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  14. That's a WOMAN????

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  15. Wow. I'm still scared by the prison photo. What'd you do to get in there? DUI? Solicitation? *shudder*

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  16. Loved the baby picture. Can't believe you're wimpy enough to be crushed like a fly. But who knows, maybe you'd enjoy being consumed whole!

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  17. name: reyspoutine
    position: goaltender
    height: 6' 2"
    weight: 210 (if i were a hockey player i'd have proper legs)
    shoots: left
    hometown: funny little town in quebec
    date of birth: 60's
    biggest influence: tony esposito
    favourite memory: 2002 olympic gold medal game, or watching guy lafleur cruise down the right wing and blast a shot over gerry cheever's glove hand.
    ooh, or steve yzerman's goal against st. louis in game seven (right wing, glove side again), loved yzerman's reaction. or maybe datsyuk on a breakaway....i am assuming you mean hockey memory here....
    afterwards: still mid-season for us ball hockey players so i have no plans as of yet.
    playing the role of me: rob zombie

    i too loved the finnish mullet.

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  18. Ha, a great opportunity to meet some real women :-) Very interesting, make comparisons !

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  19. HE (and all):

    If anyone needs a translation on Heretically Enlightened's nonsensical reference to being in a hotel room in Brandon, here it is.

    Apparently he took his mother-in-law, lovely wife and son to Brandon to see an old friend.

    Brandon is about three hours' drive west of Winnipeg.

    Being the Blogger/email addict that he is, he snuck away to post the comment you see above.

    I've already alerted the media.

    Stace:

    Actually, yes. And it turns out she did not bite my head off, she quite enjoys me and is quite personable.

    I wrote a big takeout on her today for tomorrow's paper. Now I've got her in my back pocket for the world championship next week...

    Shelley:

    It was solicitation...

    No, that's a passport photo, actually, that the Canadian customs authorities actually accepted, believe it or not...

    I agree, it looks like the photo I had taken just before I got life and was sent to Leavenworth...

    Bibi:

    Ha! No, I still have my head and all other body parts, thankfully. Who knows? She still could eat me alive during the tournament.

    Glad you liked the baby pic...it's one of my better poses...

    Rey:

    Finally, another guy to fill out my hockey card thing. I think you should do up your own hockey card, those are some pretty good factoids.

    Who the heck is Rob Zombie? I'll ask HE...

    Hildegarde:

    These aren't real women, they're super women. They could benchpress me 1,000 times if they wanted to.

    Now that I think about it, I'd better beware...

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  20. Andrew7:41 PM

    Hi, I dont know much about icehockey, but here it goes.


    Name: Andrew "Bone Crusher" Filipe
    Position: Previously Goal Keeper, now Out Injured
    Height: 6ft 4in. Weight: Not enough to be a hockey player
    Shoots: Not well with two broken legs.
    Hometown: Melbourne, Home to the Melbourne Ice.
    Date of birth: 05/09/1981 or 09/05/1981.
    Biggest Influence: The hosts of the World Poker Tour.
    Favourite memory: Any time when I was playing without an injury.
    When I finish my playing career, I would like to: Play cricket, the only game to incorporate meal breakes, tea, dinner and drinks.
    If Hollywood wanted to make a movie about me, who would I like to portray me, and why: Danny DeVito, I am tall and slim, he is short. I can imagine him getting into arguments with the rest of the cast over his height.

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  21. Bone Crusher (Andrew):

    First, I salute you as Aidan's mate and as an Aussie for gettin' in on this.

    I know there are a few hockey teams in Oz, cause my brother-in-law played there for a year.

    You're right, you'd probably need to put some meat on those broken legs.

    But your height would be a definite asset. So would your association with poker...

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If you choose to use anonymous to comment, it is only fair that I reserve the right to obliterate your comment from my blog.