A RETURN TO EARTH

MY DUTIES AND RESPONSIBILITIES ON THE HOME PLANET HAVE BEEN CURTAILED.

I have been ordered to return to Earth to re-assume my human identity as a sports reporter, in order to fulfil my duties to cover the World Women's Hockey Championship April 3-10.

(Photo illustration: Homely Escapeons)

I must be honest and say I'm not particularly comfortable in my Earth disguise, but it's a hazard of life as a Martian on this planet.

I've asked for a new identity/appearance, but it hasn't received budget approval.

In the meantime, I am carrying out my assigned task, heading to Dauphin, Manitoba, on Saturday where the Canadian team at the World Championship begins a week-long training camp.

I'll spend the next several days with elite female athletes -- almost all of them 5-foot-9 and 160 pounds and able to crush me like a fly with one fell swoop -- hoping to write about them without being consumed whole.

And the woman I most fear is pictured below.

I dare not mention her name in case she happens to Google herself and, thus, find this report and summarily execute me by biting my head off in front of the whole Team Canada squad.

She's about 5-foot-2 and 890 pounds, roughly the size of a Winnipeg Blue Bomber defensive tackle.

And she can be a lot more ornery to journalists like me, pictured below in Finland in 1991 covering the World Men's Hockey Championship.


If I asked her who will be on Canada's top line, she could growl out three names and then have me tied to the goalposts during practice and have her players take slapshots at my more sensitive parts.

That could hurt. And I have to conserve my strength, seeing as I will be covering the team right through until they (almost certainly) win the gold medal over the U.S. on April 10.

But assuming I can avoid the wrath of MD, as I'll call the Canadian coach, I should be OK.

The players seem to be able to tolerate me, kind of like we tolerate mosquitoes, gnats and other things in the summer.

One of the projects we've carried out here in advance of the world championship is to write up little "hockey cards" on each player that we now are running every day on a color page in our sports section.

I've adapted them slightly and invite fellow bloggers to write their own, for publication and for posterity. Fill out what you want...or don't want.

Name: xxxxxx xxxxxxx

Position: xxxxxxx

Height: xxx. Weight: xxx

Shoots: xxxx.

Hometown: xxxxxxx

Date of birth: xxxxx

Biggest Influence: xxxxxxxx

Favourite memory: xxxxxx

When I finish my playing career, I would like to: xxxxxxxx

If Hollywood wanted to make a movie about me, who would I like to portray me, and why: xxxxxxxxxxx