The Family (Or most of them)

The Family (Or most of them)
The Family

March 16, 2007

Newts, Selective Truth, Lies and Sex


But I know doublespeak and B.S. when I see it and hear it.

I know about appearing before a sympathetic group to confess your past sins, knowing you won't be held to the kinds of objective standards you never used to o begin with.



One is a gentle, amphibious creature that spends the first part of its life in the water breathing through gills.

It then morphs into a land animal with lungs, eating insects and hiding under leaves and things to conceal itself from predators, but as an amphibian, it still must stay moist.

The newt below is Newt Gingrich.

He also spent part of his life submerged, but in the depths of right-wing religious rhetoric and judgment about others, including U.S. President Bill Clinton.

When Wild Bill got involved with Monica Lewinsky, Ne'er-Do-Wrong Newt, as the biggest Republican Right-wing Rat in Washington, raked him over the coals and exposed him for his sexual escapades.

It was all about politics and religion, of course, because people like Newt feel a need to link the two...How Clinton was a moral menace to the God-loving American republic.

And all that crap.

Well now fast-forward to 2007.

Newt, who had more or less disappeared from the U.S. national political scene and apparently returned to the water, resurfaces as a potential Republican presidential candidate.

An agenda, ya think? Oh, no. Of course not.

But Lordy, what does Newt do? He goes on a nationally syndicated radio show, the ultra-right wing Focus on the Family, and admits that he also had extra-marital affairs. GASP!

Not only that, but he was having an extra-marital affair and deceiving his second the same time as he was calling Clinton out and trying to run him out of office. DOUBLE GASP!!

I know I'm not supposed to get up in arms about this. After all, I'm just a hick from Canada. I say "Eh."

Still, Newt's New Makeover was in the news for a couple of days this past week.

But I haven't heard another thing since, so Newt has apparently achieved his objective of breathing both water and air at the same time and living to tell about it, because righteous people like him do.

All I can do is declare Newt the winner of my initial instalment of the Newt Awards, presented to the biggest arse who manages to speak out of both sides of his mouth at the same time.

I figure the least I can do is name the awards after the human being who more resembles a real newt than any other I have ever seen, a slimy creature that goes from one existence to another.

The only difference is once real newts make the transition, they stick with it and don't try to pretend to be what they're not...or what they used to be.

Clearly, Newt doesn't get that.

And if he gets the Republican nomination, I pledge I will return to the water and live happily ever after under a lily pad, waiting for a dragonfly or fish to swallow me whole.


  1. Funny you should post my husband Bill in this post. He did not have sexual relations with that woman!!

    He remains faithful and true to ME!


    A gal can dream huh!

  2. Did you ever see a movie called Leap Of Faith?

    At one point, the phony preacher is confronted before his adoring crowds with the fact that he had been a petty thief and a liar and so forth... the preacher's response was along the lines of: If you were an alcoholic, would you trust a man who'd never touched a drop to help you give it up? If you were a womaniser, would you go to a virgin for help? NO!!! I am the King of Sin, and who better to help you give up your sins that one who has walked that rocky road?!

    Your Newt story reminds me of that scene in the movie.

    It was funny on screen, but in reality it's sickening what people can say and do and get away with. I'll join you under that lily pad, if you don't mind.

  3. A newt is a newt is a newt...

  4. Awaiting:

    So you've got the hots for Big Bill, do ya...I dunno, girl, there was others besides Monica...


    I've got to see that movie, Stace. You're welcome to huddle under the lily pad with me.


    A leopard can't change its spots, nor a Bengal tiger its stripes...unless they're politicians.

  5. I've always thought Newt was slimy (ha!).

  6. Laurie:

    But that's the only thing he's got in common with newts, my dear.

    They're not really slimy, they're just moist...but he's slimy, he's Mr. Photo Op, Mr. Dudley Do-Right.

    So much about America is so right. It is a beautiful place with beautiful people..

    Unfortunately, he isn't one of those beautiful people. At least not to me.

    And there are people like him in Canada, don't get me wrong. Try Conrad Black. Or Stephen Harper.

    They're two, to start.


  7. Hyper-Hypocrisy...the Moral Minority on the Republican side is posturing here. Jerry Falwell is endorsing Newt because Rudy Guliani is in the lead and he has a messy 3 marriage personal life...John McCain looks tired from all of his flip flopping and so with more than a year to go, the Theocratists are testing the water with Newt. Come on!

    I know that Newt loves Dinosaurs but I imagine that he will have to tow the Creationism line to secure the churchy voters...
    and after all of that ridiculous blowjobgate bullsh*t and millions of dollars wasted we find out that the pot was calling the kettle black..
    what a bunch of frickin' nobs!

    I can only hope that Obama gets the nod from the Dems so that the rest of the world knows that Americans are serious about adopting a new worldview. Otherwise we are obviously back to the same old same uber divisive polarism that wastes everybody's time with character assassinations and stupid bipartisan rhetoric...

    I really liked your analogy.

  8. I have very little political knowledge so I can't really comment much. However, you can add me to the list of Bill Clinton admirers (sighing dreamily). And perhaps this is a little twisted, but I thought his hotness level shot way up with that whole Monica thing.

  9. Horner Escapades:

    As usual, you put the perfect context and proper spin on when I do these kindsa posts.

    Thanks man. If I was a newt, I'd be hiding my head in the soil...or marching on Washington.


    Glad to see you back. What is it with Wild Bill? But whatever floats your boat...twisted or not.


  10. Oh well said ww! I'm glad you blogged about this hypocritical little newt ... I was floored when I heard him say to a reporter who questioned his duplicity " what!"

  11. The world loves a sinner who repenteth

    And publicity is publicity is publicity

    Cynical, who me?

    w*anker, as we term newts o’er here.

  12. Bibi:

    And that's his what? He who judges shall be judged...what a scum.


    As usual, you're right...but couldn't you wave your wand and turn him into boar that was just at that moment surrounded by a pack of lions?

  13. However,that thing on top is not a newt, but rather a spotted salamander
    takes you to a newt photo. They come in bright orange too.
    All politics aside and all.

  14. Threecollie:

    Thanks...and while I've changed the picture to address your comment, I really think you're splitting hairs.

    Salamanders and newts are virtually interchangeable and even the people who study them say so.

    Thus, a spotted salamander can be the same as a spotted newt.

    In any event, my analogy still stands, newt or salamander. And you've opted not to comment on that.

    All politics aside and all.

  15. As I thought of right now...

    One Scooter Libby is not enough, INDICT, INDICT, INDICT!!

    I'm sure it won't matter to whom the Repugnicans give the nod. We've had enough!! The November elections were just the beginning. We're taking back our country, one seat at a time.

  16. Shelley:

    As only an honourary American, I can't vote. But if the oil lobby, supported by the Middle East), can support Bush, I can lobby against whomever I want.

    I figure (following HE's lead) that Gugliani will win, partly because Newt's such a peckerhead.

    Hope your candidate (and party) wins.

  17. CitizenGrumble9:39 p.m.

    It remains to be seen whether
    we have the stamina and attention span needed to clean house on our
    elected government down here, due to our staggered system of elections. The last go around was
    more like releasing pent-up steam, rather than learning how to operate the boiler properly. I think that other nationalities know
    more about operating a democracy than the current batch of carpet-
    baggers we have here.

  18. Citizengrumble:

    Well I don't know if we know better, but it's all over our part of the world too.

    We get all the news shows you get, so we're immersed in it. We can't help but form opinions.

    We're kinda like the little head inside the guy's stomach in that old Ahnold movie...


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