The Family (Or most of them)

The Family (Or most of them)
The Family

September 11, 2006

THE INCREDIBLE MALE BRAIN

(NOTE: No actual males were harmed and no scientific experiments were performed in the formulation of this post; although some of you may be thinking they should have been.)


THE HUMAN MALE -- NEXT TO THE HUMAN FEMALE, IS THE MOST HIGHLY EVOLVED CREATURE ON THE PLANET EARTH.

A marvel of natural selection or cruel fate, the human male's ways are the product of countless generations of growth of his brain and sexual organs to make him what he is today.

He has walked on the moon; he has started all wars; he has invented all religions; he has brought about the advent of pro sports, TV, sex, fart jokes and politics in all its forms.

He is George Bush, Henry the Eighth, Adolph Hitler, Bill Gates, Barry Bonds. He is the priest in your local parish, the glad-handing mayor during election time, the slick car salesman.

He is also the git who forgot to take out the garbage, who can't remember birthdays or what you said to him two minutes ago, who can't lift a toilet lid and then can't aim properly anyway.

The human male can at once melt the heart of a female with such charming characteristics but then can belch, fart and otherwise -- Doh! -- become a beer-guzzling, insensitive cretin.

A breakthrough scientific analysis of the male human brain has been carried out in an attempt to once and for all pinpoint the unique traits of this organ that make modern man what he is today.

To start, we need to look at a typical brain of a male living in North America in 2006. These are startling new findings stolen from a website on the Internet, apparently produced by a female.

Click on the diagram below in the hope of making it bigger. If it remains the same size, then ha ha ha! It's the writer's tiny male brain not having a clue as to how to help you!!!

You will immediately note the prevalence and larger size of some glands, nerve centres and governing grey matter characteristics over key behavioral areas. And the under-developed size of some others.

This is for good reason, developed over the millenia, based primarily on the need to counter the parallel yet quite different evolution of the female brain, in order to ensure the continuance of the species.

As the diagram illustrates, the primary role of all males, above all else, is to not answer personal questions, to not pay attention, to not iron clothes and to not listen.

Subgroups of this behavior include not washing dishes, not making the bed, making a big stink while changing babies' diapers, listening to babies cry and being generally unreliable in comparison to the human female.

Instead, it appears, males mostly enjoy pursuing other activities, such as the following:

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There are many sound evolutionary reasons for men's focus on sex, teasing females, competing with one another and having time to themselves to drink, fart and be merry.

1. Men are the hunters/gatherers, responsible for both securing the food supply and protecting females and children and, for that matter, to impregnate females which thereby results in the reproduction of children.

There may be other reasons, but we are too tired to think of them right now. We invite interested readers to provide their own philosophies, beliefs or comments, in the interests of furthering global understanding.

Thank you.



26 comments:

  1. Well, I for one am very thankful for the larger portions of the male brain. :)

    Nice post. I enjoyed reading it.

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  2. The Incredible Male Brain? What's incredible is that you all still manage to walk around and function :) ;) haha.

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  3. lol very interesting post WW!

    I like men alot...if not for them I'd never have known what amnesia is and what mess is all abt. U have to know all that to realise how great women r.

    ;-)
    Keshi.

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  4. Who's the hoser with the guitar?

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  5. Awaiting:

    A-ha, a believer in the magic of evolution and natural selection! A satisfied customer. Yeah!

    Lee:

    Yes, it is amazing, even some of US would agree. But did you actually use the word function?

    Keshi:

    Men inspire in you the ability (or need) to forget? Or that you've learned that from their selective amnesia?

    MJ:

    He's an infamous sometimes special guest of this site with a penchant for shedding clothes and inhibitions.

    We believe it is HIS brain that was used for the diagram appearing in the post.

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  6. And 2) They are baboons?

    Also, I would like to add that those huge chunks of brain dedicated to sex diminish in size the longer they are married and then the areas dealing with Drinking Beer, Belching, and Hogging the Remote Control take over the emptied spaces! But you gotta love them.

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  7. Carm:

    HA HA HA!!! Brilliant.

    Yes, they are baboons (although the last pic of the post is a female in heat, don't know how that got in there...)

    No, see, the oversized sexual glands as depicted in the male brain will NOT diminish unless they die because of lack of use.

    If the female companion of said male keeps her sexual interest in him, those glands will not wither.

    If she keeps the male otherwise preoccupied with thoughts of sexual grandeur, the beer-drinking and belching glands will remain minor players.

    And even the smallest of glands -- such as the listening particle -- will grow to take up the considerable amount of space the diagram shows is still available in the male brain.

    An indisputable law of human male nature is that if sex is diminished, the sex glands in the brain will shrink and the beer-swilling, belching ones will expand.

    Thank god for science.

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  8. I've noted that the "attention span" portion of the brain is larger than mine. Is this cause for concern?

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  9. Male brain??????

    Where is it?

    Do you kknow something I dont?

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  10. good grief- does that babboon have boobs!??!?!

    this was a fascinating read dude- but i must be honest- i did a bit of a double take when i read that first sentence about the male brain being the most evolved etc, etc!

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  11. Hey Mr. King of Masochists..why not just go get a hammer, put your wanger on the counter and give yourself a whack! (with the hammer)
    Why do you thrive on negative attention?

    As you are well aware the human male did not bring about the advent of sex..sheesh....although like the amoeba he does tend to enjoy brief periods of vigorous asexual activity..
    for instance whenever he finds himself alone and there is a commercial break.

    And quit lumping all men in with your unbridled infantile predilection for belching and farting..puhleeze!...not all of us are as fascinated with our waste management functions as you are...Freud could have spent decades with your fixations!

    Anyway there is no reason to risk destroying our fragile truce with the opposite sex..leave well enough alone.

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  12. I am a firm believer every human accomplishment is in aid of getting laid. Building bridges, space travel world peace, rock and roll, all in the aid of getting jiggy with it.

    The three states of matter, solid liquid and gas.... These were infact misnamed...

    Things we can eat
    Things we can mate with
    and rocks.

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  13. Here's a thing with the male brain - would we really want to change it if we could? Even though women spend their lives trying to "change" men, do we REALLY want them to be just like us? That wouldn't be so interesting.Also,too,they would then realise that we "let" them have the upper hand-hahahaha.

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  14. MJ:

    I would say that yes, if you have somehow been able to determine that your attention span gland is smaller than that indicated in our diagram, you definitely have a problem.

    How do the other gland sizes compare? Do you have an especially small brain?

    I would doubt that from the quality of your posts and your biting retorts to visitors, but...

    Another plausible explanation could be that for women, the physical size of their glands is no indicator of the effectiveness of that gland.

    Gautami:

    A PIC!!! Nice to see your face and the gorgeous sari.

    The male brain is a figment of our species' imagination. It doesn't really exist, as you seem to already have deduced.

    But then what the heck is occupying all that space in my head?

    Angel:

    Of course the baboon has boobs. As I responded earlier to Carmenzta, it is a female in heat.

    I was compelled to include it even though it has absolutely nothing to do with this post.

    As far as your over-exuberant observation about the male brain being more evolved, you should have noted the inclusion of the of the mention in smaller type (I couldn't make it small enough) that had the qualifier, "next to the human female..."

    Mr. Homo Suppository:

    Negative attention? Simple reality, me man, in a very simplistic way. You da man with the lowdown on our instincts.

    How can you argue with scientific fact, Mr. Darwin, the Emir of the Theory of Evolution and Sultan of Natural Selection?

    Of course women invented sex, which proves the entire thesis and allowed -- no, caused -- men's brains to evolve the way they have.

    It was the female who knew the score and said...hmmm, it's just me and him...how are we going to keep this going? I got this part, he's got that part...

    That first female, who may or may not have been named Eve, put her hand on that thing between the legs of the first male, who may or may not have been named Adam, and he figured out...hmm, that feels good.

    After that, even HE (and I don't mean HE as in you) could figure out the rest.

    And it felt SO good that the asexual part just naturally became like, well, an appendage of his identity.

    OK, I grant that you are far above the farting fray, the belching and burping and beer guzzling of Guyville.

    This is not a tentative truce or fragile peace we have with Femmedom, it's an age-old raging love affair of differences.

    Aidan:

    I'm witchu, man. I figure it's just that simple, when you strip away all the stuff...

    Lee:

    Now THERE'S insight. Or should that be incite, like a riot?

    I, for one, fully believe that women have the true power...

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  15. Trouble is that a lot of women have abused that power -emasculated men and cheapened themselves all at the same time.

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  16. Lee:

    Hmmm...I'm a firm believer in that things balance out naturally, as they should.

    If some women have emasculated some men, then those women will be seen as either wrong or right to have done that and the men they emasculated will be seen either as deserving of that or innocent of it.

    If some women have cheapened themselves, then they will be seen as cheap. And the same for the men who have tried to empower themselves at the expense of women.

    Some ugly things happen between our respective genders, because of the physical and emotional differences between us that thank god we have.

    But overall, as much as this whole post is making fun of those differences, my feeling is they are there for perfectly good reasons that no one can or should try to rationalize.

    And those differences work and make us what we are together, which by and large is a good thing and precisely the way it should be.

    And the way that it is.

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  17. LOL selective amnesia indeed!

    Keshi.

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  18. Saying hello from Gautami's blog!

    A very enjoyable read, thank you. I was inspired to hum the calypso song made so famous by Harry Belafonte (Man Smart, Woman Smarter) as I read! :)

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  19. I must say, while feeling the scabs on my knuckles crack as I type this, what a truly observant post, WW.

    After all, my cinematic hero for the last four decades has been the ape who kills another ape and then tosses a bone up in the air at the beginning of "2001: A Space Odyssey."

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  20. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  21. Thats not for me to say what's occupying the space in your..err..brain..:D

    Thoughts of homo escapeons?

    BTW, thats not a sari!

    And thanks!

    PS:I deleted the previous comment as there were grammatical mistakes!

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  22. (Gautami: HE wrote this but blogger won't let him submit this from my computer or site, so I'm submitting this on his behalf but in complete agreement).

    OK gautami, you can rest assured that our relationship is totally platonic. Despite his desperate and misguided advances, which I have spurned at every opportunity, within has relegated his wonderlust to the 'just good friends category'.

    C'mon Gautami, rest assured that this thread is now put to rest.
    I have 4 kids and within has 2 our genetic predilection for the opposite sex is firmly entrenched.
    Not that there is anything wrong with other scenarios.

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  23. Keshi:

    ??? My tiny male brain doesn't grasp your meaning. Either that or I just plain forgot.

    Lotus Reads:

    Welcome! So glad to be able to inspire you thusly.

    Don't play that Belafonte tune too much, though. You're likely to start believing it...

    Fronty:

    Yeah, OK, we men-children can admit we're knuckle-draggers, but we're irresistible.

    We know it, but they, especially, know it.

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  24. Yes, us with the swollen red behinds know it.

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  25. Nuthin like a big red ass to get a man's attention, eh? >B^D>))))))))))

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  26. Carmen:

    You're a peach, you are.

    The human female's swollen behind is a whole lot more attractive than the baboon's, doncha know.

    Fronty:

    Yeah, me man, pretty much...say no more, say no more...

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