penguin

More penguin capers I'd like to perform on exceedingly aggravating humans sometimes.

A (single) Man's Work is Never Done

SO I MAILED IN MY PARKING TICKET TODAY AND TOOK OUT THE GARBAGE...

Yet when I got home to my apartment, these monstrous challenges were still awaiting me as we march inexplorably into the harsh winter that is still to come...

(Yes, this is part of my continuing and exceptionally boring series on the trials and tribulations of male domesticity)

This is my front closet. You can plainly see the basketball and football and the super-cheap promotional so-called Coors Light cooler on the left.

What you can't likely make out are the three softballs, the air conditioner cover, the bug spray, the foot odour canister and various other things that must be put away for winter plus about 300 coats I never wear)

I took a picture of the 18.5 pairs of shoes I have sitting there in disarray beneath the picture you see now, but I somehow deleted it and can't get it back. So use your imagination. This is one of my pre-winter chores.

However, there are many other tasks to tackle...

At the moment, I need to clean up the sink (this is only from Sunday night, I promise), force-feed my son the Reese Puffs he begged on his life that I absolutely must buy, and get my vacuum cleaner "Hepa Filter" replaced...among other things.

(You may also have noticed, if I again hadn't inadverntely deleted it after waiting three days for Blogger to actually upload the pic of that vacuum cleaner in front of my utility room, that I also need to take out my recycling).

Also on my to-do list are to get the three gorgeous prints I bought from Andrea framed (I laid them out on my un-vacuumed rug to photograph them, my apologies, Andrea) and to get my son to clean up his room.

How could he ever have become such a messy person?

The Stupidest Things I've Ever Done

I'VE DONE SOME PRETTY STUPID THINGS IN MY LIFE AS I TRANSFORMED FROM THIS...

TO THIS...(no, just kidding, this is a guy named Al from work)

To, more or less, for better or worse, this wind-worn and ravaged example of a somewhat nomadic northern North American male, just one of the masses.

(caricature credit: Homo Escapeons)

Fifty years on a planet can bring a lot of experiences...good and bad, happy and sad, brilliant and stupid.

And while this is by no means an exclusive list, here are my top 10 or more stupidest things I've ever done, in no particular order.

I was going to make this a meme, but opted not to.

However, I invite all visitors to either comment with their own list -- we won't laugh, although I expect some of you might laugh at mine -- or post your list on your own blogs.

A meme is not a mime. If you think about the dumbest things you've ever done and then don't let the rest of us in on them -- as in mime instead of meme -- well, that's kinda dumb too.

And not nearly as much fun.

Anyway, here we go...some of the stupidest thing I've ever done:

1. Sneaking up behind the hugely unpopular teacher/tyrant Mrs. Davies in Grade 7 and pulling her skirt down. Ooh, did I get in trouble for that. A week's suspension, as I recall.

2. As a kid of maybe 7, trying to walk tightrope style along the fence in my back yard and slipping. Oops. Right between the legs. Ouch.

3. At about age 9, getting angry at my mom and going to push open the back door. Only problem was, the top part of the door was made of glass. Both arms go through the windows.

As I pull my arms back in shock, rrrrriiiippppp! Right wrist cut open almost down to the bone, hitting the artery. Drive to hospital in panic and in blood. Nine stitches.

4. Now maybe 12 or 13, me and my brother sneaking some cigarettes from my mom, going outside with him and lighting up...right outside the dining room window! Doh!

Out she came. Forced us both to inhale and almost die.

5. With an equally stupid buddy somewhere around age 15, drinking a whole bottle of the cheapest wine we could find someone to buy for us and downing it in the crying room of the church where I was (yes, it's true) an altar boy.

Then moseying on down the street to the high school dance, pulling up a chair, leaning back on it as I always did and promptly falling backwards, getting sick and being driven home by the -- eek -- principal.

Penalty: three-day suspension.

6. Being asked out by the most popular girl in Grade 11 -- and saying no because I had to train for football. Duh.

7. Ill-advisedly attempting a 2 1/2 somersault off a 3-metre diving board and doing what amounts to a belly flop, only the excruciating pain was a bit lower. Geez, I've put them through a lot of unnecessary physical anguish.

8. Passing out in the middle of a highway in northern Manitoba while foolishly (and, yes, drunkenly) deciding to walk the seven miles back to the fish plant I worked at from Leaf Rapids.

I woke up at dawn sprawled out on the middle of the highway, somehow NOT run over by a car in the pitch-black darkness or eaten by bears or wolves. (A pic of the fish plant follows)

9. On a 4 1/2-month overland bus trip from England to India and back, I was convinced to consume both copious amounts of very potent hashish and some Indian beer in Hyderabad.

Hey...I was young and foolish and this was the late 70s!

I passed out in some field...and actually woke up, alive.

10. On that same trip, in Kabul, Afghanistan, I made the poor choice of saying the word fuck as a merchant tried to gouge me by charging an unbelievable amount for a sheep-wool sweater I was trying to buy.

He promptly pulled a knife on me and backed me into a corner. He knew what the word meant because the "American hippies living on Chicken Street" used it all the time, he said. Oops. My mistake. I apologized.

11. Homo Escapeons and I went out to Wallace Lake for a weekend, an event that of course called for loud music, heavy alcohol consumption and, oh yeah, a 2 a.m. canoe ride out on the lake.

Umm, someone had removed the drain plug from the bottom of the canoe. We paddled out about 300 feet and while HE didn't notice, I remarked, "there's water in the canoe."

We sunk about five minutes later, somewhere out in the middle of the lake. The pic on the right is one of us in the cottage going to dry off following that misadventure.

Of course there are many other goofy things I could talk about.

Like ripping my knee out while playing frisbee football in Turkey, or screwing up a disc in my back while trying to do a bit of downhill skiing on cross-country skis (don't try that), or using a power drill and having the bit sink into my thigh when I was into my home handyman expert phase, or having a full can of paint fall on my head.

But that would make this post far too long. Actually, it already IS far too long and I haven't even gotten into my rather sordid love life except for Sylvie in Grade 11.

So let's hear it. What equally stupid things have you done?

NOTES ABOUT NOTHING

I MIGHT HAVE WOKEN UP THIS MORNING TO THIS, AS LEE AND KESHI AND STACE AND AIDAN AND MILLIONS OF OTHER RESIDENTS OF AUSTRALIA COULD HAVE.

INSTEAD, we in the Great White North are dealing with this...

The beautiful bird above is an eastern rosella, brought to my attention by Lee, who has two of these gorgeous winged creatures inhabit her back yard in the incredible world of Down Under.

The picture below it (I think that's my curtain obstructing the right side; DOH!) is a shot of my expansive grassed area outside my apartment in the southern Winnipeg suburbs, looking out on my scenic parking lot.

The trees you see are now devoid of leaves. If I could record a soundtrack, you would hear the bitter sound of a cold, driving wind whistling through those barren branches.

But now, in between my endless search to find my longjohns with the hole in them from last year, on to a major portion of my post -- my hopes to win the Male Blogger Comeback Cleaner of the Year Award.

Several posts ago, I showed pictures of my unclean fridge and my disgustingly blackened oven. I am now able to report that in fact I have cleaned both of these crucial appliances, as below...

Voting begins tonight at 11 p.m. CST and ends at midnight at www.voteforwwhahahaha.com. And I'd refer you back to my original post with the "before" pix, but I don't know how. You'll have to find it yourself.