THE INCREDIBLE MALE BRAIN

(NOTE: No actual males were harmed and no scientific experiments were performed in the formulation of this post; although some of you may be thinking they should have been.)


THE HUMAN MALE -- NEXT TO THE HUMAN FEMALE, IS THE MOST HIGHLY EVOLVED CREATURE ON THE PLANET EARTH.

A marvel of natural selection or cruel fate, the human male's ways are the product of countless generations of growth of his brain and sexual organs to make him what he is today.

He has walked on the moon; he has started all wars; he has invented all religions; he has brought about the advent of pro sports, TV, sex, fart jokes and politics in all its forms.

He is George Bush, Henry the Eighth, Adolph Hitler, Bill Gates, Barry Bonds. He is the priest in your local parish, the glad-handing mayor during election time, the slick car salesman.

He is also the git who forgot to take out the garbage, who can't remember birthdays or what you said to him two minutes ago, who can't lift a toilet lid and then can't aim properly anyway.

The human male can at once melt the heart of a female with such charming characteristics but then can belch, fart and otherwise -- Doh! -- become a beer-guzzling, insensitive cretin.

A breakthrough scientific analysis of the male human brain has been carried out in an attempt to once and for all pinpoint the unique traits of this organ that make modern man what he is today.

To start, we need to look at a typical brain of a male living in North America in 2006. These are startling new findings stolen from a website on the Internet, apparently produced by a female.

Click on the diagram below in the hope of making it bigger. If it remains the same size, then ha ha ha! It's the writer's tiny male brain not having a clue as to how to help you!!!

You will immediately note the prevalence and larger size of some glands, nerve centres and governing grey matter characteristics over key behavioral areas. And the under-developed size of some others.

This is for good reason, developed over the millenia, based primarily on the need to counter the parallel yet quite different evolution of the female brain, in order to ensure the continuance of the species.

As the diagram illustrates, the primary role of all males, above all else, is to not answer personal questions, to not pay attention, to not iron clothes and to not listen.

Subgroups of this behavior include not washing dishes, not making the bed, making a big stink while changing babies' diapers, listening to babies cry and being generally unreliable in comparison to the human female.

Instead, it appears, males mostly enjoy pursuing other activities, such as the following:

T



There are many sound evolutionary reasons for men's focus on sex, teasing females, competing with one another and having time to themselves to drink, fart and be merry.

1. Men are the hunters/gatherers, responsible for both securing the food supply and protecting females and children and, for that matter, to impregnate females which thereby results in the reproduction of children.

There may be other reasons, but we are too tired to think of them right now. We invite interested readers to provide their own philosophies, beliefs or comments, in the interests of furthering global understanding.

Thank you.

TROUBLE

TROUBLE IS A BIG WORD.

WITH POTENTIALLY BIG CONSEQUENCES.

UGLY, HURTING CONSEQUENCES.

TO YOURSELF, BUT ALSO TO PEOPLE YOU CARE ABOUT -- LOVELY INDIVIDUALS YOU NEVER INTENDED TO HARM, BUT WHO CAN NEVER BE FULLY PROTECTED FROM THAT PAIN.

TROUBLE.

TROUBLE can be the mundane stuff we have to deal with every day, like plugged toilets...

OR FINDING yourself in a rather precarious position and discovering, due to unforseen circumstances, that you're completely out of your element and having to figure out how you're going to get yourself out of it...

OR MAYBE, in a fit of poor judgment and caught in a brain cramp of bravado, trying something that maybe you shouldn't have and having one of those DOH! moments...and realizing you've bitten off more than you can chew.

SOMETIMES, trouble can be manufactured purposely, with the most devious thoughts in mind and without any regard for the feelings or future of the unfortunate victim of that deviousness.

BUT THE TROUBLE I'm thinking about today is the trouble with love, or at least the precarious process of trying to arrive at that state of bliss between two adults with every hope of being together.

THE HOPE of fitting together like a hand in a glove, of knowing at the depths of their souls that he or she is THE ONE, of feeling so light as a feather together.

And the big step of taking the risk to open up and to put their hearts on the line to make that happen, of putting themselves on the railway tracks in order to pave the road to what they can only hope can be.

And despite the best of intentions from both of those individuals, how the jittery journey to getting there can end in extreme pain, often for one at the expense of the other.

I'VE BEEN thinking of one person all week and how that person must feel, knowing the huge risk she had bravely taken -- with no guarantees, nothing other than a belief and a hope -- was not rewarded.

RISK AND REWARD.

It's such a cruel concept, but unfortunately it's the way of the world. If we don't take risks, there's no possibility of reward. But taking the risk can come back and bite us in the ass, and IN THE HEART.

FOR EVERYONE. Few of us escape either side of that equation.

The old saying is, "Where there's a WILL, there's a WAY." But WANT has to be there too. And WISH. And other wacko complicated variables that just have to WORK. It just has to WORK.

BOTH have to adhere to those first four W's for the fifth to happen, for it to WORK. It's extremely sad when it doesn't, and I have felt like a cad at times this week that it didn't.

BUT SOMETIMES, it just doesn't work. Sometimes, all the hopes and expectations and dreams and grandiose plans and loveliness and intense physical relations and great logic and commonality aren't enough.

Sometimes, it's just the way it is. It takes two. And it defies explanation, as much as we all want an explanation.

Sometimes, there just IS no explanation. That's the toughest thing to take...never really knowing why.

And wishing you did.

So you could tell that person how much you wish it had worked out...and that they are a wonderful person, even if it didn't.

RELIGION AT ITS FINEST (subtitled: HORSEPLAY)

HOW DID I GET HERE? I HAVEN'T A CLUE. I THINK I WAS LOOKING, IN A FUN WAY, FOR SOMETHING ON ORAL SEX TO REBUT MJ'S LATEST EFFORT ON HOW IT'S BAD FOR ONE'S HEALTH.

AND I STUMBLED UPON THIS.

WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING? I DON'T KNOW. BUT IN THE INTERESTS OF INFORMING BLOGWORLD OF EVEN THE MOST ABSURD OF BEHAVIOURS, I BRING YOU THIS...

FROM THIS GROUP...

BLECHHHH.....

Bestiality Bust

Miniature Horses Lure Men Into Local Barn For Oral Sex!

Freehold, Iowa - The expression "miniature horse lovers" took on a unseemly connotation in the paddocks and barns of rural Iowa this past week.

An SUV cavalcade sin-posse of fifty deputized Deacons armed with shotguns swarmed the old Walker Farm last Tuesday.

Their mission: to bust up a nightly orgy involving several prominent, local businessmen and the shameless miniature horses that had lured them to their barns.

These tiny, galloping strumpets had enticed Christian men to the farm solely to engage in ravenous fellatio in exchange for little more than hay, apples and hand-tooled Italian leather saddles.

The raid brought to a close these lewd equine's barnyard bacchanalia sex-derby, a depraved gathering that has apparently been going on for nearly a year.

"We arrested several Gold Level tithers and their menservants who were holed up in Ed's barn with human fluffers waiting to have unnatural relations with those shameless miniature horses," reported Deacon Will Cummings.

"Apparently these hip-height harlots had gotten Ed to use the internet to advertise their lewd business, a so-called "horse house," and he had folks flying in from London and Berlin for a roll in the hay."

As with all sins, this one can be traced to folks who aren't American. Men having sexual relations with horse-like creatures was legitimized in Britain by the recent marriage of Prince Charles to Camilla Parker Bowels.

I NEED TO STOP IT THERE. OTHER THAN THE DESCRIPTION OF WHO THESE RELIGIOUS WACKOS ARE BELOW, I CAN ONLY ASK: HOW CAN OUR SPECIES HAVE DEVOLVED INTO THIS?

Who We Are and What We (And God) Believe
As most churches liberalize themselves and reject the commandments written by God in the Holy Bible, the Landover Baptist Church continues to do exactly what scripture teaches every Christian to do.

And that is to keep the temple of the living God a clean vessel, untarnished by even a hint of fellowship with the unrighteous.

BLOGGER'S A BITCH

I'VE BEEN AWAY FROM BLOGGING FOR THE ENTIRE WEEKEND OR MORE, BUSY WITH OTHER PURSUITS THAT, AS IT TURNED OUT, SADLY ENDED IN THE CONCLUSION OF THAT PURSUIT.

And as I return from casting my line into the water to see what I might try to reel in, one of my e-mails is from an astute and very intelligent female friend and potential blogger who sends this along.

It may or may not apply to your own feeling on blogging and what it means or doesn't mean to you. For the moment, as I contemplate other things, I throw it out to you and ask:

How often do you blog, as opposed to how often you'd LIKE to blog, and is that enough for you or too much or somewhere in between?

And do you sometimes find yourself posting something just to keep up or because you've really got something to say? IS there something like the Blogger Blahs or the Blogger Blues?

No Day at the Beach
Bloggers Struggle With What to Do About Vacation
By ELIZABETH HOLMES

A banner stripped across the top of the Daily Dish declares that the popular Web log's host, Andrew Sullivan, has "gone fishing." Mr. Sullivan declared a two-week vacation and opted to leave his political blog behind.

Several thousand of his readers have done the same.

Despite the efforts of three verbose guest bloggers, replacements handpicked by Sullivan, the site's visitor tally has fallen. The Daily Dish, now part of Time magazine, usually garners around 90,000 unique visitors, or individual readers, each day.

At the start of the first work week without him, Sullivan's blog received about 67,000 hits, according to Site Meter. This week, traffic has hovered around 57,000.

"The frequency of emails of 'Bring back Andrew' and 'This is stupid. Bring back Andrew' is definitely higher than anything I've ever written," says David Weigel, a 24-year-old assistant editor at Reason magazine, one of Sullivan's guest bloggers.

In the height of summer-holiday season, bloggers face the inevitable question: to blog on break or put the blog on a break? Fearing a decline in readership, some writers opt not to take vacations. Others keep posting while on location, to the chagrin of their families.

Those brave enough to detach themselves from their keyboards for a few days must choose between leaving the site dormant or having someone blog-sit.

To be sure, most bloggers don't agonize over this decision. Of the 12 million bloggers on the Internet, only about 13% post daily, according to the Pew Internet and American Life Project. Even fewer -- 10% -- spend 10 or more hours a week on their blogs.

Yet for the sliver of people whose livelihood depends on the blog -- whether they are conservative, liberal or don't care -- stepping away from the keyboard can be difficult.

Unlike other jobs, where co-workers can fill in for an absent employee, blogs are usually a one-person show. A blogger's personality carries the site. When the host isn't there, readers tend to stray.

August is a slow time for all blogs, but having an absent host makes the problem worse. Lose enough readers, and advertisers are sure to join the exodus.

It's something that John Amato, host of the political blog Crooks and Liars, knows all too well. Amato rarely steps away from his site for any significant amount of time, although he finds updating the page multiple times a day exhausting.

"You become your blog," says Mr. Amato, whose site gets an average of 150,000 hits a day. "It's John Amato. They're used to John Amato."

Some bloggers thrive on the manic pace. Getaways for Jim Romenesko, host of the popular media blog bearing his name, consist of a Friday afternoon drive every month or so from his home in the Chicago suburbs to visit friends in Milwaukee.

The 85-mile trip should last around 90 minutes. For Romenesko, it takes nearly four hours -- because he stops at eight different Starbucks on the way to update his site.

The longest Mr. Romenesko has refrained from posting on his site, which gets about 70,000 hits a day, was for one week three years ago on the insistence of site owner, the Poynter Institute. He hasn't taken a vacation in seven years.

"The column's called Romenesko," he says. "I just feel it should be Romenesko" who writes it.

While it may seem like a chore to outsiders, many bloggers enjoy the compulsion. Mark Lisanti, who runs the entertainment gossip blog Defamer, is much like Romenesko in his no-vacation tendencies.

Although he gets three weeks off each year from Gawker Media, which owns the site, he rarely takes a day. Not because he can't, he just doesn't want to. "My plan is to die face down on the desk in the middle of a post," Lisanti jokes.

Kevin Drum, author of Washington Monthly's blog Political Animal, says he used to have that kind of proprietary attitude. At some point, says, "You just have to let go."